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Many universities graduates cannot find a job in their chosen profession what factors may have caused this situation and what in your opinion should be care about it v.2

Many universities graduates cannot find a job in their chosen profession what factors may have caused this situation and what in your opinion should be care about it v. 2
It is true that many older people believe in traditional values that often seen incompatible with the needs of younger people. While I agree that some traditional ideas are outdated, I believe that others are still useful and should not be forgotten. On the one hand, many of the ideas that elderly people have about life are becoming less relevant for younger people. In the past, for example, people were advised to learn a profession and find a secure job for life, but today’s workers expect much more variety and diversity of their careers. At the same time, the Rules around relationships are being eroded as young adults make their own choices about who and when to marry. But perhaps the greatest disparity between the generations can be seen in their attitudes towards gender roles. The traditional roles of men and women, as breadwinners and housewives, are no longer accepted as necessary or appropriate by younger people. On the other hand, some traditional views and values are certainly applicable to the modern world. For example, older generations attach great importance to working hard, doing one’s best, and taking pride in one’s work, and these behaviours can surely benefit young people as they enter today’s competitive job market. Other characteristics that are perhaps seen as traditional are politeness and good manners. In our globalised world, young adults can expect to come into contact with people from a huge variety of backgrounds, and it is more important than ever to treat others with respect. Finally, I believe that young people would lead happier lives if they had a more ‘old-fashioned’ sense of community and neighbourliness. In conclusion, although the views of older people may sometimes seem unhelpful in today’s world, we should not dismiss all traditional ideas as irrelevant.
It is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
values that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
incompatible with the needs of younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. While I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
are outdated
, I believe that others are
still
useful and should not
be forgotten
.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
that elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have about life are becoming less relevant for younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. In the past,
for example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were advised
to learn a profession and find a secure job for life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s workers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
much more variety and diversity of their careers. At the same time, the

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Rules
around relationships are
being eroded
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
choices about who and when to marry.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
perhaps the greatest disparity between the generations can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in their attitudes towards gender roles. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
roles of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women, as breadwinners and housewives, are no longer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
as necessary or appropriate by younger
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
views and values are
certainly
applicable to the modern world.
For example
, older generations attach great importance to working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
, doing one’s best, and taking pride in one’s work, and these
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
can
surely
benefit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
as they enter
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s competitive job market.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Other
characteristics that are perhaps
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
are politeness and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
manners. In our
Possible spelling mistake. 'globalised' is British English.
globalised
world,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
into contact with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from a huge variety of backgrounds, and it is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than ever to treat others with respect.
Finally
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would lead happier
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
if they had a more ‘
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
-fashioned’ sense of community and
Possible spelling mistake found.
neighbourliness
.

In conclusion
, although the views of older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
seem unhelpful in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world, we should not dismiss all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
as irrelevant.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many universities graduates cannot find a job in their chosen profession what factors may have caused this situation and what in your opinion should be care about it v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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