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People who cause their own illnesses through unhealthy lifestyles and poor diets should have to pay more for health care. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

People who cause their own illnesses through unhealthy lifestyles and poor diets should have to pay more for health care. with this opinion? BA1d
It is commonly believed that people’s unhealthy lifestyles, including poor diets, result in their serious diseases. The frequent deterioration of health leads to more often payments for health care they receive in comparison with people who do not even need to use the medical services. I personally tend to think that those who do not pay any attention to their health condition should have to contribute towards the cost of medical treatments. First of all, those who agree with the given opinion deem that everyone can be aware of the consequences of unhealthy lifestyle. Having an unhealthy diet, smoking and lack of exercises not only weaken the health, but also cause serious illnesses. For instance, nowadays information about health and fitness is as extensively available as a wide range of help services aimed at consulting on improving humans’ health. Hence, people who continually have an unhealthy way of living despite advice from medical professionals should not receive free medical services. Secondly, it is clear that certain types of medication are extremely costly while some diseases can be treated by following the principles of the healthy lifestyle. In other words, people’s unhealthy way of living affects not only their own health condition, but also causes a number of problems for other more critically diseased people. For example, if people who suffer from obesity demand for treatments, they deprive other patients, whose operations may be more expensive and urgent, the opportunity to be cured. Therefore, making humans pay more money for medical help could be the best solution to save financial help for others. To conclude, I strongly believe that people’s contribution towards medical treatment could be the most effective way to deal with various self-inflicted illnesses through changing mindset and provide more money available for other people.
It is
commonly
believed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
lifestyles, including poor diets, result in their serious diseases. The frequent deterioration of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
leads to more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
payments for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care they receive
in comparison
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
do not even need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
services. I
personally
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
do not pay any attention to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
condition should
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
contribute towards the cost of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
treatments.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
opinion deem that everyone can be aware of the consequences of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
lifestyle. Having an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
diet, smoking and lack of exercises not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
weaken the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
cause serious illnesses.
For instance
, nowadays information about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and fitness is as
extensively
available as a wide range of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
services aimed at consulting on improving humans’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
continually
have an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
way of living despite advice from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
professionals should not receive free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
services.

Secondly
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that certain types of medication are
extremely
costly while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
diseases can
be treated
by following the principles of the healthy lifestyle. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unhealthy
way of living affects not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
condition,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
causes a number of problems for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
more
critically
diseased
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
For example
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
suffer from obesity demand for treatments, they deprive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
patients, whose operations may be more expensive and urgent, the opportunity to
be cured
.
Therefore
, making humans pay more money for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
could be the best solution to save financial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
for others.

To conclude
, I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
contribution towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
treatment could be the most effective way to deal with various self-inflicted illnesses through changing mindset and provide more money available for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
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IELTS essay People who cause their own illnesses through unhealthy lifestyles and poor diets should have to pay more for health care. with this opinion?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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