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People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment, and not enough time on more serious duties and obligations.

People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment, and not enough time on more serious duties and obligations. 73L8Y
Some people argue that people must stop spending money on irrelevant enjoyment and rather do things they should do. However, in my opinion, ]I mostly disagree with the statement for the following three reasons. First of all, people now work more hours at their jobs than they used to. It is of a natural inclination to deviate from work and explore other fun engagements. For example, a software engineer at a tech company works 5 days a week for ten hours a day, more than what people back in the day were doing. They tend to enjoy more on the weekends by spending money lavishly and enjoy fun entertainment every weekend. They tend to overcome work pressure and workplace competition by taking time off for some fun. Considering it is very less time off than to the time they work, spending on personal enjoyment is not as bad as it seems. Secondly, technological advancements make humans to keep updating their surrounding with new advanced products. Traditional devices are being replaced by modern tech in every item in daily use. For example, television is being updated every year and newer versions of gadgets are being released each day. It is of human nature to replace old trite machines with new and improved products. Thus, technology plays a significant part in why people spend much time in personal enjoyment. Finally, humans are jealous of each other and always try to get one over their people. For example, people tend to surpass other people in terms of luxury goods to show off and look at people in condescending ways by showing off materialistic wealth. For instance, neighbors tend to purchase luxury goods which may help them acquire a high social status. People who do not have cars, for example, are looked at a different way than with people who have them. Thus, competition and jealous make people spend more on personal stuff. To conclude, although people must not spend money recklessly, the above three reasons imply why people spend money on personal stuff.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on irrelevant enjoyment and
rather
do things they should do.
However
, in my opinion,
Don't put a space before the closing parenthesis
]
I
mostly
disagree with the statement for the following three reasons.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
more hours at their jobs than they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to. It is of a natural inclination to deviate from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and explore other fun engagements. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, a software engineer at a tech
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
works 5 days a week for ten hours a day, more than what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
back in the day were doing. They
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tend
to enjoy more on the weekends by spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
lavishly
and enjoy fun entertainment every weekend. They
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tend
to overcome
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
pressure and workplace competition by taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
off
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fun. Considering it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
off
than to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, spending on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
enjoyment is not as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
as it seems.

Secondly
, technological advancements
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
humans to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
updating their surrounding with new advanced products. Traditional devices are
being replaced
by modern tech in every item in daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, television is
being updated
every year and newer versions of gadgets are
being released
each day. It is of human nature to replace
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
trite machines with new and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
products.
Thus
, technology plays a significant part in why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
enjoyment.

Finally
, humans are jealous of each other and always try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
one over their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tend
to surpass other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in terms of luxury
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
off
and look at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in condescending ways by showing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
off
materialistic wealth.
For instance
, neighbors
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tend
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
luxury
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
which may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them acquire a high social status.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
who do not have cars, for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
,
are looked
at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
way than with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have them.
Thus
, competition and jealous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
stuff.

To conclude
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
recklessly
, the above three reasons imply why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
stuff.
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IELTS essay People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment, and not enough time on more serious duties and obligations.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
340 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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