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People say that the government should not give financial support and take care of old people because it is their responsibility to prepare for retirement and support themselves. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

People say that the government should not give financial support and take care of old people because it is their responsibility to prepare for retirement and support themselves. with this view? Ag0XM
It is said that the state should not provide money and take care of the old because everyone has to prepare for the stop of working and take care of himself. I disagree with this point view. On the one side, I accept that we have to prepare for retirement and take care of ourselves. Firstly, retirement is one's decision and he or she has to prepare for it before the decision. Everyone has a different choice so when to decide to quit job is also distinctive. My grandparents can be a good example for this. My grandfather declared to leave the workforce at the age of 71, but his spouse did so when she was 6 years younger than him. Secondly, if the decision to retire is announced, the person who makes the decision still has to do something to earn his or her living. When people declare to stop working, their health still enables them to do some jobs to support themselves. A friend of my grandparent is an instance for the view point. He has retired for long, but everyday he still sells some vegetables and fruits and earns some money, so he can manage to survive without any support. Despite all of these, I still believe that state officials should take some actions to help the old. For one thing, the elderly can be vulnerable to fatal diseases, such as heart or pulmonary diseases. This can decrease one's ability to work. My friend's grandparent is suffering from coronary artery disease, and she must rely on governmental support to live. Another reason is that old people are usually poorer than the remaining of the society, so they may not be able to meet their basic requirements, such as food and fresh water. My grandmother was once like that. She had suffered something known as 'absolute poverty', in which she earned only $1. 5 a day. It was so low her income that she could not afford to buy water. And without the financial support from the government, my grandmom would not survive. In conclusion, it is essential that the old prepare to take care of themselves after quitting job, but I believe that the state should not let them alone.
It
is said
that the state should not provide money and take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
everyone
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prepare
for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
of working and take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of himself. I disagree with this point view.

On the one side, I accept that we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prepare
for retirement and take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of ourselves.
Firstly
, retirement is one's
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
decision and
he or she
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prepare
for it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decision
. Everyone has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
choice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
when to decide to quit job is
also
distinctive. My grandparents can be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example for this. My grandfather declared to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
the workforce at the age of 71,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
his spouse did
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
when she was 6 years younger than him.
Secondly
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decision
to retire
is announced
, the person who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decision
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
do something to earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
living. When
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
declare to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
working, their health
still
enables them to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
jobs to support themselves. A friend of my grandparent is an instance for the view point. He has retired for long,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
everyday he
still
sells
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
vegetables and fruits and earns
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
money,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
he can manage to survive without any support.

Despite all of these, I
still
believe that state officials should take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
actions to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
. For one thing, the elderly can be vulnerable to fatal diseases, such as heart or pulmonary diseases. This can decrease one's ability to work. My friend's grandparent is suffering from coronary artery disease, and she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
rely on governmental support to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
. Another reason is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
usually
poorer than the remaining of the society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they may not be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their basic requirements, such as food and fresh water. My grandmother was once like that. She had suffered something known as 'absolute poverty', in which she earned
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
$1. 5 a day. It was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
low her income that she could not afford to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
water. And without the financial support from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
, my
Possible spelling mistake found.
grandmom
would not survive.

In conclusion
, it is essential that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prepare
to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of themselves after quitting job,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I believe that the state should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
them alone.
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IELTS essay People say that the government should not give financial support and take care of old people because it is their responsibility to prepare for retirement and support themselves. with this view?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
373 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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