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People live longer today and so people should stay in the workforce longer To what extent do you agree or disagree v.2

People live longer today and so people should stay in the workforce longer v. 2
There is a vast development in the current medical field due to which there is a considerable increase in average life expectancy in humans. There is an ongoing debate that people live longer life and there is a need to raise the retention period in workforce. I completely disagree with this notion and I believe that raising the retirement age will not benefit the organisation and society. To begin with, retaining old employees will not benefit the company in longer term. Firstly, older people are not easily adaptive to new change. In today' s trend it is imperative to update the skills in order to align with rapid changes in technological advancement. So organisation will find difficult to implement the new process among older people. As a consequence company may incur some loss due to shortage in skill set. Secondly, there would be a decrease in productivity because elderly people will have some health issues and they may require some frequent leaves. Finally, company has to pay more salary to senior staff. This will be a huge burden to mid size company that yields very less profits. Furthermore, extending retention period in organisation will create an unemployment issues among younger generation. There is a steady increase in younger population when compared to last two decades. If elderly people are retained for longer period then there will be very less job vacancy. Due to lack of job many youngsters may indulge in theft and other unethical means of earning money. This will lead to increase in crime rate and pose great threat to society. For example, in recent study conducted by United Nations concluded that the unemployment rate in India is around 60% in the age group of 20 to 40 years old. Hence Government is planning to cut down retirement age at least by five years to increase the employment opportunities for young people to benefit. In conclusion, I strongly opine that people should not be retained for longer period in workplace. An equal opportunities should be created for the benefit of young people and organisations.
There is a vast development in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
medical field due to which there is a considerable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in average life expectancy in humans. There is an ongoing debate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
life and there is a need to raise the retention
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
period
in workforce. I completely disagree with this notion and I believe that raising the retirement age will not benefit the
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
and society.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, retaining
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
employees will not benefit the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
term.
Firstly
, older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not
easily
adaptive to new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
. In
Possible spelling mistake found.
today&
#039; s trend it is imperative to update the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in order to align with rapid
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in technological advancement.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
will find difficult to implement the new process among older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
a consequence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
may incur
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
loss due to shortage in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
set.
Secondly
, there would be a decrease in productivity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
health
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
issues and
they may require
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
frequent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leaves
.
Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
pay more salary to senior staff. This will be a huge burden to mid size
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
that yields
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun profits is countable.
less
profits.

Furthermore
, extending retention
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
period
in
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
will create an unemployment issues among younger generation. There is a steady
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in younger population when compared to last two decades. If elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are retained
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
period
then there will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
less job vacancy. Due to lack of job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youngsters may indulge in theft and other unethical means of earning money. This will lead to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in crime rate and pose great threat to society.
For example
, in recent study conducted by United Nations concluded that the unemployment rate in India is around 60% in the age group of 20 to 40 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
is planning to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
down retirement age at least by five years to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
the employment opportunities for young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to benefit.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
opine that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should not
be retained
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
period
in workplace. An equal
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "opportunity"?
opportunities
should
be created
for the benefit of young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
10Mistakes

IELTS essay People live longer today and so people should stay in the workforce longer v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
346 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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