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People in the community can buy cheaper products nowadays. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v.2

People in the community can buy cheaper products nowadays. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2
Nowadays, besides having multiple functions and benefits, there are some people argue that social media have significant negative impacts on both individual and the community the whole. I do agree with this argument because of many obvious reasons. On the one hand, social media such as Facebook or Instagram has played a vital role in communications since it was invented. It is clear that by using Facebook, people can easily keep in touch with their beloved one from long distance, not only hearing their voice but also seeing their face conveniently. Moreover, since Facebook users could use the live streaming ability to connect people in different regions, some companies have taken it as a vital measure to operate online conferences between employees who are not able to present at the office. Another benefit that makes social media extremely popular is its ability to update news continuously. Without spending too much expenditure of subscribing news or magazines, Social network users could be able to get notification about what they are interested in 24 hours a day and 7 days a week by using their mobile phone. For example, instead of buying expensive tickets to see world cup matches, the fans just need to simply stay home and get the update about the games or even watch it on-live on Facebook. On the other hand, being deeply dependent on social networking sites has many negative impacts not only on a person but also on society. Firstly, when wasting too much time on checking the updated news, the majority of youngsters have failed behind their study. There are many socialists has proved that, since the invention of Facebook, the performance of students at schools dropped dramatically. Secondly, because of the mass information in social media provided by many sources, there is an obvious high risk that vulnerable children could be affected negatively. For example, violent clips could be spread rapidly without any control and directly be seen by young children, which they might learn and copy the clip's contents. As a result, there will be no doubt about the raising of the crime rate within the society presently. In conclusion, besides many benefits the social networks could offer, there are many serious concerns about their negative impacts on the development of an individual as well as society.
Nowadays,
besides
having multiple functions and benefits, there are
some
people
argue that
social
media
have significant
negative
impacts on both individual and the community the whole. I do
agree
with this argument
because
of
many
obvious reasons. On the one hand,
social
media
such as Facebook or Instagram has played a vital role in communications since it
was invented
. It is
clear
that by using Facebook,
people
can
easily
keep
in touch with their beloved one from long distance, not
only
hearing their voice
but
also
seeing their face
conveniently
.
Moreover
, since Facebook users could
use
the
live streaming
ability to connect
people
in
different
regions,
some
companies
have taken it as a vital measure to operate online conferences between employees who are not able to present at the office. Another benefit that
makes
social
media
extremely
popular is its ability to update news
continuously
. Without spending too much expenditure of subscribing news or magazines,
Social
network users could be able to
get
notification about what they
are interested
in 24 hours a day and 7 days a week by using their mobile phone.
For example
,
instead
of buying expensive tickets to
see
world cup matches, the fans
just
need to
simply
stay home and
get
the update about the games or even
watch
it on-
live
on Facebook.
On the other hand
, being
deeply
dependent on
social
networking sites has
many
negative
impacts not
only
on a person
but
also
on society.
Firstly
, when wasting too much time on checking the updated news, the majority of youngsters have failed behind their study. There are
many
socialists has proved that, since the invention of Facebook, the performance of students at schools dropped
dramatically
.
Secondly
,
because
of the mass information in
social
media
provided by
many
sources, there is an obvious high
risk
that vulnerable children could be
affected
negatively
.
For example
, violent clips could
be spread
rapidly
without any control and
directly
be
seen
by young children, which they might learn and copy the clip's contents.
As a result
, there will be no doubt about the raising of the crime rate within the society
presently
.

In conclusion
,
besides
many
benefits the
social
networks could offer, there are
many
serious concerns about their
negative
impacts on the development of an individual
as well
as society.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay People in the community can buy cheaper products nowadays. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
384 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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