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People born today can expect to live longer than people in previous generations. What are some of the positive and negative implications of this phenomenon? v.2

People born today can expect to live longer than people in previous generations. What are some of the positive and negative implications of this phenomenon? v. 2
Throughout the years, people have been improving medical care and finding out new technologies for healing and new methods to live longer, therefore, who born presently can anticipate living more than their ancestors. Notwithstanding, it has not only benefits as more years stay alive, but also a drawback for the Earth because overpopulation leads to faster consume restricted resources and create more pollution. On the one hand, since new generations predict to live longer, it has a positive influence on all their life because people around the world in any case afraid the death, thereby in all efforts they want to prolong their life to stay more with their close circle. For example, the elderly, especially women, people use medical operations and other tools such as medical drugs or cream for rejuvenation. Moreover, few people can deny the fact what the scientist who lives more could create more innovation. Nevertheless, since the resources of the Earth are restricted, so if people live longer and longer and die rarely, their population and consumption eventually will become higher than possibly. Likewise, if elderly people live longer it could lead to shortage workplace for younger worker and more rapid urban sprawl: due to, young specialists after the university inept in their specialisation area instead of an experienced older generation, and youth must have own accommodation. For instance, presently in Ukraine youth have trouble with work because companies prefer to hire older specialist. Furthermore, such tendency lead to rapidly increase the level of all types of pollution, due to all people tends to own vehicles and megalopolises create more noise and light. To conclude, despite a profit of the person's long life, they cannot forget about the other side their activity such as ending resources and high pollution level, and, for the time being, because of the plan for the diminishing harm of the Earth does not elaborate, therefore, such phenomenon could lead to appalling aftermaths.
Throughout the years,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have been improving medical care and finding out new technologies for healing and new methods to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
,
therefore
, who born
presently
can anticipate living more than their ancestors. Notwithstanding, it has not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
benefits as more years stay alive,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
a drawback for the Earth
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
overpopulation leads to faster consume restricted resources and create more pollution.

On the one hand, since new generations predict to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
, it has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
influence on all their life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around the world in any case afraid the death, thereby in all efforts they want to prolong their life to stay more with their close circle.
For example
, the elderly,
especially
women,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
medical operations and other tools such as medical drugs or cream for rejuvenation.
Moreover
, few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can deny the fact what the scientist who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
more could create more innovation.

Nevertheless
, since the resources of the Earth
are restricted
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
rarely, their population and consumption
eventually
will become higher than
possibly
.
Likewise
, if elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
it could
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to shortage workplace for younger worker and more rapid urban sprawl: due to, young specialists after the university inept in their
Possible spelling mistake. 'specialisation' is British English.
specialisation
area
instead
of an experienced older generation, and youth
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
accommodation.
For instance
,
presently
in Ukraine youth have trouble with work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
prefer to hire older specialist.
Furthermore
, such tendency
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to
rapidly
increase the level of all types of pollution, due to all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
tends
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
vehicles and megalopolises create more noise and light.

To conclude
, despite a profit of the person's long life, they cannot forget about the other side their activity such as ending resources and high pollution level, and, for the time being,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the plan for the diminishing harm of the Earth does not elaborate,
therefore
, such phenomenon could
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to appalling aftermaths.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay People born today can expect to live longer than people in previous generations. What are some of the positive and negative implications of this phenomenon? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
322 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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