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People are living longe. Others think the ageing population has many advantages for business, government and for society in general. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

People are living longe. Others think the ageing population has many advantages for business, government and for society in general. paoeL
Nowadays, the longevity of individual tend to be longer and it is a common belief that the ageing population brings benefits to companies, authorities and community in general. However, I firmly believe that while population ageing causes a number of issues for the government, but it is good for some corporations and communities. With regards to government, the influences that the ageing population has caused have some negative drawbacks. First of all, it has resulted in a shortage of labour which impacts the economic background directly. Indeed, the workforce plays a vital role in socio-economic development who pay taxes for the government, so fewer young workers mean less money from taxes. Secondly, the government have to pay a huge amount of pension retired people which accidentally creates a financial burden for authorities, especially taxpayers. On the other hand, the growth of the ageing population has created favourable opportunities for several businesses to develop. Firstly, some elderly care services such as private nursing homes and elder insurance have been commonplace in recent years. Japan, for instance, where have a high rate of elder people have seen the significant development of companies providing services for the elderly in terms of scale and profits. Furthermore, in some developed like Japan, due to the ageing population and low birth rate, it is unnecessary for the government to spend too much money on education, which means more money can be invested into other aspects of society such as the healthcare system, infrastructure and living standard’s improvement. In conclusion, although there are many positive signals for business and society, ageing population have brought government some problems in term of finance and labour. In my view, authorities should have some suitable solutions to deal with these issues
Nowadays, the longevity of individual tend to be longer and it is a common belief that the
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
brings benefits to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, authorities and community
in general
.
However
, I
firmly
believe that while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
causes a number of issues for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
corporations and communities.

Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
With regards to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
, the influences that the
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
has caused have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
drawbacks.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it has resulted in a shortage of
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
which impacts the economic background
directly
.
Indeed
, the workforce plays a vital role in
Possible spelling mistake found.
socio-economic
development who pay taxes for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
fewer young workers mean less money from taxes.
Secondly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay a huge amount of pension retired
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
which
accidentally
creates a financial burden for authorities,
especially
taxpayers.

On the other hand
, the growth of the
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
has created
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourable' is British English.
favourable
opportunities for several businesses to develop.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
elderly care services such as private nursing homes and elder insurance have been commonplace in recent years. Japan,
for instance
, where have a high rate of elder
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
the significant development of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
providing services for the elderly in terms of scale and profits.
Furthermore
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
developed like Japan, due to the
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
and low birth rate, it is unnecessary for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to spend too much money on education, which means more money can
be invested
into other aspects of society such as the healthcare system, infrastructure and living standard’s improvement.

In conclusion
, although there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
signals for business and society,
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
have brought
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems in term of finance and
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
. In my view, authorities should have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
suitable solutions to deal with these
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
issues
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IELTS essay People are living longe. Others think the ageing population has many advantages for business, government and for society in general.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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