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Many people think that students in universities should attend part time jobs instead of focusing on their studies. Agree or disagree?

Many people think that students in universities should attend part time jobs instead of focusing on their studies. Agree or disagree? DYEqW
When the question of part time job comes into view, there exist many trends. Some people strongly tend to believe that it is necessary for students started working while studying. Others; however, think that there are a lot of disadvantages for the pupils if they search for part time jobs at the early ages. From my point of view, every coin has two sides. To begin with, it can’t be denied that find a part time job brings a number of merits, one of which is get more practical experience. In addition, when scholars do a part time work, they will get paid so that they can spend the money on making ends meet or purchasing school things which make them feel more independent.
When the question of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
job
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
into view, there exist
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
trends.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
strongly
tend to believe that it is necessary for students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
working while studying. Others;
however
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
disadvantages for the pupils if they search for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
jobs at the early ages. From my point of view, every coin has two sides.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it can’t
be denied
that find a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
job brings a number of merits, one of which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more practical experience.
In addition
, when scholars do a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
work, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
paid
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can spend the money on making ends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
or purchasing school things which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them feel more independent.
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IELTS essay Many people think that students in universities should attend part time jobs instead of focusing on their studies. Agree or disagree?

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
124 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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