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Parents should teach children about the importance of money. Do you agree or disagree?

Parents should teach children about the importance of money. VPR7m
It is true that many parents purchase a multitude of playthings for their offspring. Whether or not this is a good thing for the child is a moot point. On the face of it the advantages seem most apparent, but could there be a downside to this phenomenon of devoted parenting as well? Most people would consider children who have many toys to be the fortunate ones. Interesting things to play with stimulate many positives in the young boy or girl, such as optimum brain development, hand-eye coordination and colour recognition, apart from the simple joy of playing. Modern toys are designed to be educational as well as fun, and concerned parents carefully select products which might speed their child's acquisition of numbers of the alphabet. Is it possible that owning multiple toys could be in any way detrimental to a child? This is an unusual question, but there are some hidden pitfalls. For one, wealthy parents might spoil their son or daughter by showering him / her with toys, resulting in a negative effect on the child's character. For another, a growing child's concentration span may suffer if they are constantly surrounded by too many tempting objects, so that they become unable to focus on any one game for a decent length of time before being distracted. On the social side, older children may become targets of envy from classmates, if they are perceived as having far more possessions than their peers. Finally, the majority of toys today are made of plastic which commonly contains the chemical BPA, proven to be dangerous for infants to suck on or ingest.
It is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
a multitude of playthings for their

offspring.
Consider shortening this phrase to just "Whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
Whether or not
this is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
thing for the child is a moot point.

On the face of it the advantages seem most apparent,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
could there be a

downside to this phenomenon of devoted parenting
as well
?

Most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would consider children who have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
to be the fortunate

ones. Interesting things to play with stimulate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
positives in the young boy

or girl, such as optimum brain development, hand-eye coordination and
Possible spelling mistake. 'colour' is British English.
colour


recognition, apart from the simple joy of playing. Modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
are designed
to

be educational
as well
as fun, and concerned parents
carefully
select products

which might speed their child's acquisition of numbers of the alphabet.

Is it possible that owning multiple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
could be in any way detrimental to a

child? This is an unusual question,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
hidden pitfalls. For one,

wealthy parents might spoil their son or daughter by showering him / her with

toys, resulting in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on the child's character. For another, a growing

child's concentration span may suffer if they are
constantly
surrounded by too

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
tempting objects,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they become unable to focus on any one game

for a decent length of time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
being distracted
. On the social side, older

children may become targets of envy from classmates, if they
are perceived
as

having far more possessions than their peers.
Finally
, the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today


are made
of plastic which
commonly
contains the chemical BPA, proven to be

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
for infants to suck on or ingest.
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IELTS essay Parents should teach children about the importance of money.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
270 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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