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parents should encourage children to spend less time on studying and more on doing physical activities

parents should encourage children to spend less time on studying and more on doing physical activities WGw8q
It is believed that parents should advise their kids to do sports activities instead of spending more time studying. In my opinion, I somewhat agree with this, however, I believe that both education and sport are important. First of all, these days, the parents may realize that their children spend some of their time at home doing various works including studying. So, they encourage them to spend more time doing exercises. One of the main reasons can be that nowadays children can gain weight, less communication with people, or having weak health. This means that they could manage their time and do physical activities. Another reason can be that children can have a variety of works during that day besides studying. For instance, the latest research showed that a daily routine may not develop a person's personality. Secondly, it is also possible to make the opposing case that studying is the basic of the children too, and parents have to be aware of this also. One of the major reasons can be that education these days is necessary for children and for their future. The second point is that children might addicted to sports and become careless about studying. A particularly good example here is that some recent statistics showed that most football players were having low marks in high school because of spending more time playing soccer during their childhood. To sum up, while some people believe that parents should promote their children to exercise, i believe that both education and sports are important.
It
is believed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should advise their kids to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
activities
instead
of spending more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
. In my opinion, I somewhat
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this,
however
, I believe that both education and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, these days, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
may realize that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at home doing various works including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, they encourage them to spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
doing exercises. One of the main reasons can be that nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can gain weight, less communication with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, or having weak health. This means that they could manage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and do physical activities. Another reason can be that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can have a variety of works during that day
besides
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
.
For instance
, the latest research
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that a daily routine may not develop a person's personality.

Secondly
, it is
also
possible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the opposing case that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
is the basic of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
too, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be aware of this
also
. One of the major reasons can be that education these days is necessary for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and for their future. The second point is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
might addicted to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and become careless about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
. A
particularly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example here is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
recent statistics
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that most football players were having low marks in high school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of spending more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
playing soccer during their childhood.

To sum up, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should promote their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to exercise,
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
believe that both education and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.

IELTS essay parents should encourage children to spend less time on studying and more on doing physical activities

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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