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parents need to make sure their children lead healthy lives. What can parents do to help their children have heathy lifestyles? v.2

parents need to make sure their children lead healthy lives. What can parents do to help their children have heathy lifestyles? v. 2
These days technology is changing all aspects of our life, like payment methods, shopping, entertainment. One of the most change has occurred in communication and it has shaped a new form. But it has its effects and it could affect our lives and health. In my opinion, high-tech connection is so practical and helps us with its various features. Although it has its negative impacts, we can reduce it. For example, I try to use it less and often talk to my friend to meet each other in parks or cinema. Also, I try to do exercise at home and stay fit. One of the advantages of high-tech communication is that we can connect with each other anywhere we are. There is no need to stay at home and wait for calls and pay a lot of money for it. Technology makes connection easy as we can see each other by video call and talk to our family and friends anywhere. For example, students studying abroad can communicate with their parents and see them every time. Another positive effect could be useful in emergency conditions. An unknown virus was spreading all over the world and the government heralded a quarantine condition. Therefore, the technological devices were the only way for people to communicate with their family, friends, colleagues and teachers and do their tasks such as sending files, presenting lectures and doing assignments However, technology has its disadvantages too. It makes us more isolated at home. We go out less frequently so our physical activity reduces, which could cause many health problems, like obesity and weakness of muscles. Also, it’s possible high-tech conversation causes we are more inward-looking. Smart mobile phones and computers make us not present in society and don’t meet people in the real world. So in some circumstances, our character is changing to being introverted. Finally, connection technologies can be effective and helpful so we should not confront it. We all must be aware of its effects and educate others about how they should face it. We can control it by limiting the use of them and so use its positive features.
These
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "days'" or "day's"?
days
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is changing all aspects of our life, like payment methods, shopping, entertainment. One of the most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
has occurred in communication and it has shaped a new form.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
it has its effects and it could affect our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and health.

In my opinion, high-tech connection is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
practical and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
us with its various features. Although it has its
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
it.
For example
, I try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it less and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
talk to my friend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
in parks or cinema.
Also
, I try to do exercise at home and stay fit.

One of the advantages of high-tech communication is that we can connect with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
anywhere we are. There is no need to stay at home and wait for calls and pay
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money for it.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
connection easy as we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
by video call and talk to our family and friends anywhere.
For example
, students studying abroad can communicate with their parents and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
them every time. Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect could be useful in emergency conditions. An unknown virus was spreading all over the world and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
heralded a quarantine condition.
Therefore
, the technological devices were the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
way for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to communicate with their family, friends, colleagues and teachers and do their tasks such as sending files, presenting lectures and doing assignments

However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has its disadvantages too. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
us more isolated at home. We go out less
frequently
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
our physical activity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
, which could cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
health problems, like obesity and weakness of muscles.
Also
, it’s possible high-tech conversation causes we are more inward-looking. Smart mobile phones and computers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us not present in society and don’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the real world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
circumstances, our character is changing to
being introverted
.

Finally
, connection
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
can be effective and helpful
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
we should not confront it. We all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be aware of its effects and educate others about how they should face it. We can control it by limiting the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of them and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
its
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
features.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay parents need to make sure their children lead healthy lives. What can parents do to help their children have heathy lifestyles? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
355 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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