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Parent should encourage their children that spend less time in study and more time to doing physical activites. Do you extent agree or disagree?

Parent should encourage their children that spend less time in study and more time to doing physical activites. Do you extent agree or disagree? NWDQy
Education is a lifelong process of learning and gaining knowledge. It grooms the personality and create job opportunity. Parents should promot their kids that spend less time in study and more time to doing physical activites. The substantial influence of this trend has sparked the controversy over the potential impact in recent years. I completely disagree with this statement. It is indeed true that education plays an important role in human's life. The first and the foremost reason behind this is that physical activites are not help to find job and it do not make bright future of people. But if children spend more time in study, they will become educated person and they can easily find better job. Another striking benefits in this regard is that increase their confidence and concentrations in study. So that it is not hard nut to crack their goal. Probing ahead, leisure activities are good for students in order to growing focus and improve memory power but students should spend less time in creative activities because nowadays mamy pupils who spend a lots of time in physics activities as result their less interest in their study. For example; a plethora of children who waste of their time to play video games and watch videos. In fact if they play more video game, they will face many eye disease such as dark circle under the eyes, myopia and so on. In conclusion, both are important for students but students should more focus on their study rather than others activities because education is a crucial part in today era.
Education is a lifelong process of learning and gaining knowledge. It grooms the personality and create job opportunity. Parents should
Possible spelling mistake found.
promot
their kids that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to doing physical
Possible spelling mistake found.
activites
. The substantial influence of this trend has sparked the controversy over the potential impact in recent years. I completely disagree with this statement.

It is
indeed
true that education plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in human's life. The
first
and the foremost reason behind this is that physical
Possible spelling mistake found.
activites
are not
Consider using a past participle here: "helped".
help
to find job and it
Did you mean "does"?
do
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
bright future of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
if children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
, they will become educated
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
person and
they can
easily
find better job. Another striking benefits in this regard is that increase their confidence and concentrations in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
.
“So that” at the beginning of a sentence requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
So that
it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
nut to crack their goal.

Probing ahead, leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in order to
Did you mean "grow"?
growing
focus and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
memory power
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in creative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
nowadays
Possible spelling mistake found.
mamy
pupils who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a lot" or simply "lots"?
a lots
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in physics
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
as result their less interest in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
.
For example
; a plethora of children who waste of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to play video games and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
videos. In fact if they play more video game, they will face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
eye disease such as dark circle under the eyes, myopia and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.

In conclusion
, both are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should more focus on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
rather
than others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
education is a crucial part in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
era.
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IELTS essay Parent should encourage their children that spend less time in study and more time to doing physical activites. Do you extent agree or disagree?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
263 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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