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opinion essay about raising the age at which people retire

opinion essay about raising the age at which people retire OwxQN
There are several people who suggest that since it has become common for individuals to live longer, therefore, the age of retirement from work need to be extended. In my opinion, many jobs worldwide require people with specific ages to do, and it would be more appropriate when a person becomes older, to spend more time with the family. Although, the overall years, which a person can live, have become longer, this can not be a reason for extending the limit of retirement. This is due to the fact that there are a lot of jobs which are very sensitive to how old the worker is. In many cases, these need a person who has both physical and mental abilities to perform the work. Medical jobs are one of these. A doctor need to do some activities which require long hours of standing. Also, diagnosing patients needs analyzing the cases and finding cures, which require a healthy person to do. In addition to this, when people become older, they need to spend more amount of time with their families. It is known that, doing a job, specially, in the present days, consumes huge amount of time. Many are struggling to find the balance between their work and life. Therefore, extending the age of retirement would cause issues in the relationships between the family members. For example, in the western world, the social relations inside the family have become weaker due to the long hours that many parents spend outside in working. In conclusion, increasing the limit of ages at which individuals can retire, because of people have become living longer, is not suitable for many jobs, and it would be more appropriate to spend the rest of life with families instead.
There are several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who suggest that since it has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
common for individuals to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
longer,
therefore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of retirement from work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to
be extended
. In my opinion,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
worldwide require
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
to do, and it would be more appropriate when a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
becomes
older, to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more time with the family.

Although, the
overall
years, which a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
, have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
longer, this can not be a reason for extending the limit of retirement.
This is due to the fact that
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
which are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
sensitive to how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
the worker is. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
who has both physical and mental abilities to perform the work. Medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
are one of these. A doctor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
activities which require long hours of standing.
Also
, diagnosing patients
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
analyzing the cases and finding cures, which require a healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
to do.

In addition
to this, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
older, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more amount of time with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
. It
is known
that, doing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
,
specially
, in the present days, consumes huge amount of time.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
are struggling to find the balance between their work and life.
Therefore
, extending the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of retirement would cause issues in the relationships between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members.
For example
, in the western world, the social relations inside the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
weaker due to the long hours that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
outside in working.

In conclusion
, increasing the limit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
at which individuals can retire,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
living longer, is not suitable for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, and it would be more appropriate to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
the rest of life with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
instead
.
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IELTS essay opinion essay about raising the age at which people retire

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
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