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One of the Consequences of Improved Medical Care is That People are Living Longer and Life Expectancy is Increasing

One of the Consequences of Improved Medical Care is That People are Living Longer and Life Expectancy is Increasing N3ADj
Nowadays, there are many modern medical developments that can help people prolong their life. Many scientists or medical fields undergo thorough research and study to produce advancements that can help people who have problems with their health and to have a chance in extending their lives. Most employees retire when they are 60 years old. At that age, their body will be weaken and most likely to have their maintenance medicine because they don’t have work and mostly stay at home. To prevent this, after their retirement, they apply for a part-time job or put-up their own business to lessen their boredom. Thus they will be more active and be able to contribute to the society in spite of their old age. Life expectancy is advantage to people because based on my observation, a person who has a heart problem can extend their life by means of heart transplant and someone who has a cancer and kidney failure can prolong their life through chemotherapy and dialysis. With this, more people can helped to live a normal life and have hope that their life is still valuable. This will make life less stressful and more fun As a result, medical advancements are advantageous to the society especially for the old people. They can spend more time with their family. Grandparents can be able to help their children by taking care of their grandchildren while the parents are at work. They will teach them values and traditions which would help them to understand the past.
Nowadays, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
modern medical developments that can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prolong their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
scientists or medical fields undergo thorough research and study to produce advancements that can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have problems with their health and to have a chance in extending their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

Most employees retire when they are 60 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
. At that age, their body will be
Consider using the past participle "weakened"?
weaken
and most likely to have their maintenance medicine
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they don’t have work and
mostly
stay at home. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
this, after their retirement, they apply for a part-time job or put-up their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business to lessen their boredom.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
they will be more active and be able to contribute to the society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age.

Life expectancy is advantage to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
based on my observation, a person who has a heart problem can extend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
by means of heart transplant and someone who has a cancer and kidney failure can prolong their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
through chemotherapy and dialysis. With this, more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a normal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and have hope that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is
still
valuable. This will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
less stressful and more fun

As a result
, medical advancements are advantageous to the society
especially
for the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. They can spend more time with their family. Grandparents can be able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
their children by taking care of their grandchildren while the parents are at work. They will teach them values and traditions which would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them to understand the past.
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IELTS essay One of the Consequences of Improved Medical Care is That People are Living Longer and Life Expectancy is Increasing

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
253 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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