On My Parent's Accident, A Quick Reflection Into My Inner Self

As a kid, I used to have some kind of separation anxiety. I would get anxious whenever my parents left me home. It wasn’t a fear of being lonely. Instead, I was worried about my family’s wellbeing, thinking that they might pass away in a terrible accident or something. One day, I got so sentimental that I literally went after my mom and brother 5 minutes after they had left. Being the naive child that I was, I didn’t realize that I had no keys on me, so I locked myself out of my home. To make matters worse, I later found out that my mom left her keys in the lock on the inside. So, the only way to regain access was by breaking the door. We finally made it inside after standing in the building’s hallway for almost 3 hours, and my family understandably showered me with all kinds of insults throughout the rest of the day. After telling you that pathetic story, you probably think that I grew up to be a sensitive person who cries his eyes out every time he’s left alone. Well, I don’t know how, but I actually ended up on the opposite extreme — I became 100% emotionless. --------------- You might be wondering, why did I remember that incident today? Well, today, one of my worst childhood nightmares came true. My father was driving my mother home, and they crashed into a carriage. Thankfully, they weren’t injured, except that my mom had a minor bruise on her knee. Little did I know, that accident exposed my emotionless nature. It all happened when my mother broke the news over the phone right after the accident. She was talking to my brother, begging him to come and help them. She wasn’t sobbing or anything, but she sounded distressed enough for my other brother to whimper in fear, whereas I haven’t turned a hair! Some might argue that it’s good to remain calm in such stressful situations since freaking out can only take you so far. But I’m no stranger to nervous breakdowns, especially around work and professional life in general. I’m sure you now think I’m a ruthless person who loves no one but himself. But that’s not true. I’m the kind of person who thinks twice before saying any word to make sure that I won’t hurt anyone. Besides, I love my family more than anything in the world, and I would take a bullet for them if need be. That said, why was I indifferent to the possibility of my parent’s tragic death? Maybe I contemplated this thought too many times as a child that I became fully desensitized. I guess my mind was trying to prepare itself for the worst, but it kind of went overboard in the process. But the question begs itself: Has my mind overpowered any other aspects of my personality? If, god forbid, I lose a loved one in the upcoming days, will I have the guts to shed a tear? And speaking of shedding tears, will I eventually become desensitized to the traumatic events in my professional life? Can my mind get over the unreasonable fear of being incompetent? And more importantly, will it ever accept the fact that nothing is perfect? That we’re all trying our best to improve, yet failing isn’t as shameful as it sounds? Too many questions, I know. And I also know that you don’t have any answers — I guess only time will tell.