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Older teenagers (16-19) should be allowed to work at paid part-time jobs.

Older teenagers (16-19) should be allowed to work at paid part-time jobs. m18BO
Nowadays, there are kinds of jobs which make a variety of opportunities for people. In this regard, we should consider younger persons who want to experience works in their lives. But, there is a question asking these men or women should have a chance to try a part-time job or not. I agree with the opinion which is expressing taking part in labors which are flexible in time is a good decision for these young individuals. The reasons to substantiate my idea are explored in the following. First of all, the age of 16 to 19 is a proper time to find an interesting area and working could aid people to reach this goal. To be specific, a person who has enough experience in his passion is more successful in the future than a guy who becomes aware of his route at the age of 20 to 25. Surely, understanding our way strongly affects our prospect to be a prosperous man. A personal experience of min can drive this fact home. I have been developing a company in computer science for several years. When I was 17 years old I got familiar with computers especially Machine Learning because I have to prepare some projects for a man who was the boss of the electrical institute and had supported me to work there 2 days a week. Now, I have better knowledge than my coworkers because I had started to study these types of lessons, so soon. This example demonstrates the importance of finding purpose at the youth. Second, children and young humans should learn how to manage their money and they cannot realize the worth of cash until they earn it. To put on the other hand, a young son who faces a lot of difficulties to obtain a reward never pays it for bad productions. Certainly, let a boy have a part-time job allow him to learn these lessons and help their parent to train their kids. As an illustration, I am going to speak about my little brother who used to waste his money on games, until, my father compelled him to have his job. Because he was a student, he had to find a job with the ability to change the times. After a while, he did not spend his money on games because he found the value of money. If my father never had made him have a job, he would not realize this concept. By and large, I agree to work as a part-time for young persons. Since it aids them to find their goals also youth can understand the hardness of obtaining money.
Nowadays, there are kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a variety of opportunities for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. In this regard, we should consider younger persons
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
want to experience works in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, there is a question asking these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
or women should have a chance to try a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
or not. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the opinion which is expressing taking part in labors which are flexible in time is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
decision for these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
individuals. The reasons to substantiate my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
are explored
in the following.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the age of 16 to 19 is a proper time to find an interesting area and working could aid
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to reach this goal. To be specific, a person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
experience in his passion is more successful in the future than a guy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
becomes aware of his route at the age of 20 to 25.
Surely
, understanding our way
strongly
affects our prospect to be a prosperous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
. A personal experience of min can drive this fact home. I have been developing a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
in computer science for several years. When I was 17 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
familiar with computers
especially
Machine Learning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
prepare
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
projects for a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
was the boss of the electrical institute and had supported me to work there 2 days a week.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
, I have better knowledge than my coworkers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to study these types of lessons,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
. This example demonstrates the importance of finding purpose at the youth.

Second, children and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
humans should learn how to manage their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
money and
they cannot realize the worth of cash until they earn it. To put
on the other hand
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
son
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
faces
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
difficulties to obtain a reward never pays it for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
productions.
Certainly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
a boy have a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
him to learn these lessons and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their parent to train their kids. As an illustration, I am going to speak about my
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
brother
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to waste his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on games, until, my father compelled him to have his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
he was a student, he had to find a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
with the ability to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the times. After a while, he did not spend his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on games
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he found the value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. If my father never had made him have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, he would not realize this concept.

By and large, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to work as a part-time for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
persons.
“Since” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Since
it aids them to find their goals
also
youth can understand the hardness of obtaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
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IELTS essay Older teenagers (16-19) should be allowed to work at paid part-time jobs.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
439 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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