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Obesity is rising in the cities of Vietnam. What are the causes of this problem and how can we solve it?

Obesity is rising in the cities of Vietnam. What are the causes of this problem and how can we solve it? 7PN85
Nowadays, the rate of child obesity in the urban areas of Vietnam is rising. This essay will give some reasons why they are overweight and some solutions to solve this problem. To begin with, the percentage of overweight Vietnamese children has increased more than the past. There are a couple of reasons to explain this problem. Firstly, it comes from their parents. For instance, some parents are too busy with their job and they can’t take care of their children directly and make a meal with full of nutritions, another reason is Vietnamese have a trend that they would like to eat more starch and meat with a little bit vegetable, or eat a junk food too much, it lead to their children would be lack of this substance and excess of some other substances such as fat. In addition, in some ways, school is a second reason why some students, especially, primary students are obesity. I will take physical activities like an example, the education in Vietnam, learning theory and spending most of students' time on studying is more important than physical activity, some sport events and student’s health are being forgotten. The students will be in trouble with their health someday if they just sit 12 hours a day for studying instead of doing some exercise. Moreover, food at school does not have enough nutrition. On the other hand, this problem can be solved easily, if they really take their attention into it. Here are some solutions. At first, parents should pay more attention to their children, spend time taking care of them and most importantly, highly recommend them play some sports to keep fit and it may help them relieve their stress after a stressful day at school. For school, they should organise more sport events with a small award for students to encourage their spirit or invite some nutritionist to teach them how to have a right meal with enough nutrition which would provide for their body. To sum up, parents and school is important element to help children balanced their nutritions and stay away from harmful things that affect directly to their health, beside, solution to solve this problem which is the most important agenda happens with Vietnamese children these day.
Nowadays, the rate of child obesity in the urban areas of Vietnam is rising. This essay will give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
why they are overweight and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions to solve this problem.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the percentage of overweight Vietnamese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
has increased more than the past. There are a couple of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
this problem.
Firstly
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are too busy with their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
job and
they can’t take care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
directly
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a meal with full of
Possible spelling mistake found.
nutritions
, another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
is Vietnamese have a trend that they would like to eat more starch and meat with a
Reduce redundancy by using "little" or "bit".
little bit
vegetable, or eat a junk food too much, it
Did you mean "leads"?
lead
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would be lack of this substance and excess of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other substances such as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
.
In addition
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ways,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is a second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
,
especially
, primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are obesity. I will take physical activities like an example, the education in Vietnam, learning theory and spending
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the students") or simply say "most students".
most of students
' time on studying is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than physical activity,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sport
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student’s
health are
being forgotten
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will be in trouble with their health someday if they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
sit 12 hours a day for studying
instead
of doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
exercise.
Moreover
, food at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
does not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
nutrition.

On the other hand
, this problem can
be solved
easily
, if they
really
take their attention into it. Here are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions. At
first
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should pay more attention to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, spend time taking care of them and most
importantly
,
highly
recommend them play
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sports to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
fit and it may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them relieve their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
after a stressful day at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. For
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school
, they should
Possible spelling mistake. 'organise' is British English.
organise
more sport
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
with a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
award for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to encourage their spirit or invite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nutritionist to teach them how to have a right meal with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
nutrition which would provide for their body.

To sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
element to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
balanced their
Possible spelling mistake found.
nutritions
and stay away from harmful things that affect
directly
to their health, beside, solution to solve this problem which is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
agenda happens with Vietnamese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
Did you mean "this day" or "these days"?
these day
.
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IELTS essay Obesity is rising in the cities of Vietnam. What are the causes of this problem and how can we solve it?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
376 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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