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Number of internet users in several European nation as well as the prevalence of online shopping

Number of internet users in several European nation as well as the prevalence of online shopping kbM3R
The figures illustrate how many people are using the network in Switzerland, Germany, France, Spain and UK. Also shown the spread of internet shopping throughout these countries. Overview, It is clear from the figures that UK have the most numbers of users. In comparison to Spain which have the least amount of people using the internet. In stark contrast, Switzerland got the greatest data regarding online shopping. In term of number of accounts in the internet, Uk has increased over the time from 1995 to 2004 by 41 millions. Similarly, In Germany there was a slight increase between 2000 to 2004 by 15000000. Likewise, France and Spain had a rise of users by 6 M and 2 M respectively. Although in Switzerland paying needs from the internet has the big percentage comparing to the Germany and France.
The figures illustrate how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are using the network in Switzerland, Germany, France, Spain and UK.
Also
shown the spread of internet shopping throughout these countries.

Overview, It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
from the figures that UK have the most numbers of users.
In comparison
to Spain which have the least amount of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
using the internet. In stark contrast, Switzerland
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
the greatest data regarding online shopping.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
term of number of accounts
The usual collocation for technology is "on," not "in." It is better to say this: "on the internet".
in the internet
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Uk
has increased over the time from 1995 to 2004 by 41 millions.
Similarly
, In Germany there was a slight increase
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 2000 and 2004".
between 2000 to 2004
by 15000000.
Likewise
, France and Spain had a rise of users by 6 M and 2 M
respectively
. Although in Switzerland paying needs from the internet has the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
percentage comparing to the Germany and France.
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IELTS essay Number of internet users in several European nation as well as the prevalence of online shopping

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
137 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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