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Nowdays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing(for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you thing the advantage of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Technology plays a vital role in transforming the world economy. In today era, with a rapid advancement in technology it is also being used to track what kind of activities people are doing in their life. This phenomenon follows more benefits as compared to the drawbacks. There are several benefits associated with the enhancement in technology and consider as a remarkable achievement by the whole world. This is to say, technology help in removing the barriers that are obstacle in the growth of the country and telecommunication sector is one of an example of it where it opened various platforms. Inaddition, with the revolution of technology it eliminates the manual work by replacing with the computers. To quote an instance, in a recent survey virtual learning helps students to learn new things apart their core subjects which can lead to various path for their career growth. Further elaborating, technology consider as a key factor in transforming the rural economy of world by providing all the facilities which are not available earlier. Moving further, world leaders can address and discuss the issues through virtual meeting. A salient example of this, during the pandemic period various nations come together to develop the vaccine so they can overcome from the problems of Covid-19. Therefore, technology is a boon for all of us. On the contrary, there are certain disadvantages too. It has noticed in the recent time that some major IT companies keep a track of activities the general public do or search on their devices. This leads to hack of personal information and breach of trust. Hence, government should take measures to curb this kind of things by companies. In my opinion, this phenomenon surely follows more advantages such as internet which leads to easily access of information as compared to its disadvantages such as monitoring of activities of people.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Technology
plays a vital role in transforming the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
economy. In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
era, with a rapid advancement in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
it is
also
being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
what kind of activities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are doing in their life. This phenomenon follows more benefits as compared to the drawbacks. There are several benefits associated with the enhancement in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
and consider as a remarkable achievement by the whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
. This is to say,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in removing the barriers that are obstacle in the growth of the country and telecommunication sector is one of an example of it where it opened various platforms.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Inaddition
, with the revolution of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
it eliminates the manual work by replacing with the computers. To quote an instance, in a recent survey virtual learning
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
students to learn new things apart their core subjects which can lead to various path for their career growth.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Further
elaborating,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
consider as a key factor in transforming the rural economy of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
by providing all the facilities which are not available earlier. Moving
further
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
leaders can address and discuss the issues through virtual meeting. A salient example of this, during the pandemic period various nations
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
together to develop the vaccine
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can overcome from the problems of Covid-19.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is a boon for all of us.
On the contrary
, there are certain disadvantages too. It has noticed in the recent time that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
major IT
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
of activities the
Consider using only “public” to avoid wordiness.
general public
do or search on their devices. This leads to hack of personal information and breach of trust.
Hence
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should take measures to curb this kind of things by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
.

In my opinion, this phenomenon
surely
follows more advantages such as internet which leads to
easily
access of information as compared to its disadvantages such as monitoring of activities of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
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IELTS essay Nowdays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing(for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you thing the advantage of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
308 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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