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Nowadays, Young People Spend Too Much Of Their Free Time In Shopping Malls

Nowadays, Young People Spend Too Much Of Their Free Time In Shopping Malls gmJa
There are those who opine that the practice of spending too much time in shopping centres could be detrimental for young people and the society as a whole. I fully agree with this view. In my opinion, if youngsters spend too much time on shopping or in malls, it can hurt not only their grades but also their financial situation because shopping requires both time and money. When young people become obsessed with shopping, they will find themselves in serious financial difficulties. If they hang out in the malls, they will want to buy many things even if they do not really need them. As shopping requires money, youngsters will have to find a source of income. Consequently, some of them may choose to work part time or some might even quit their studies and work full time. Both are detrimental to their academic progress and career. Working part time will reduce the amount of time they can focus on their studies and thus affect their grades. Now if they choose to quit studies to work full time, they will seriously hurt their career prospects as well-paying jobs require at least a university degree. Some young people may choose not to work. Instead, they will get into crime such as robbery. Obviously, spending excessive time in malls has a seriously negative impact on young people. Excessive shopping also affects the society. It leads to excessive consumption which is detrimental for the environment. Also, when young people are obsessed with spending, they will fall into the debt trap. This is bad for the society as well. When they cannot find enough money to fulfil their shopping goals or to pay off their debts caused by excessive shopping, youngsters may get into illegal activities like robbery, shop lifting or even smuggling. All of these has a detrimental effect on the society. In short, shopping is good so long as it is done in moderation. If young people spend an excessive amount of time in malls, they will not have much time to focus on their studies and they will also fall into debt. Obviously, this hurts them as well as their society.
There are those who opine that the practice of spending too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
could be
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detrimental
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
as a whole. I
fully
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view. In my opinion, if youngsters spend too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
or in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
, it can hurt not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
their grades
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
their financial situation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
requires both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and money.

When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become obsessed with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
, they will find themselves in serious financial difficulties. If they hang out in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
, they will want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things even if they do not
really
need them. As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
requires money, youngsters will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
find a source of income.
Consequently
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them may choose to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
might even quit their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
full
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. Both are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
detrimental
to their academic progress and career. Working part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
they can focus on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
and
thus
affect their grades.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
if they choose to quit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
full
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, they will
seriously
hurt their career prospects
as well
-paying jobs require at least a university degree.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may choose not to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
Instead
, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into crime such as robbery.
Obviously
, spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
excessive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
has a
seriously
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Excessive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
also
affects the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. It leads to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
excessive
consumption which is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
detrimental
for the environment.
Also
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are obsessed
with spending, they will fall into the debt trap. This is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
as well
. When they cannot find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money to fulfil their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
goals or to pay off their debts caused by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
excessive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
, youngsters may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into illegal activities like robbery, shop lifting or even smuggling. All of these has a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
detrimental
effect on the society.

In short,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
long as it
is done
in moderation. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
excessive
amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
, they will not have much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to focus on their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
studies and
they will
also
fall into debt.
Obviously
, this hurts them
as well
as their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
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IELTS essay Nowadays, Young People Spend Too Much Of Their Free Time In Shopping Malls

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
360 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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