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In some countries young people are encouraged to workor travel for a year between finishing their high school and starting their university studies . Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decided to do this

In some countries young people are encouraged to workor travel for a year between finishing their high school and starting their university studies. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decided to do this 3n6Y
In this modern era, it is very popular, the youngsters taking break between their high school and higher studies. There are many advantages and disadvantages, but plethora of people force to do that. To begin, there are too main advantages. Firstly, after the the high school if they are taking break and going to other places or job, it will help them to gain knowledge about different topics and interaction with other people to help them to know about the different culture and importance of different jobs. In addition, if they are going for some jobs, it help them to know the importance of hardwork to earn money, so they will not waste money unnecessarily like spending more money for shopping or paying alot of money for fast food and parties. In the fact that they came to know the importance of saving money. On the other way, the disadvantages include, if they started to work and earn money, they hesitate to go back to study because they are happy with what they are earning and their current life. So they will not go back to their studies due to that they force to continue their current work. In future it will affect for their reputation of the company. In addition, if they are going abroad for the job, they will miss their family and end up with mental depression and it will affect their future. In conclusion, eventhough they can earn money and gain knowledge by taking break between their studies but it will affect their future. So when youngsters are taking decision, they need to think properly and need to take advise from their parents. In my opinion advantages can overweigh the disadvantages.
In this modern era, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
popular, the youngsters taking break between their high school and higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages and disadvantages,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
plethora of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
force to do that. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
, there are too main advantages.
Firstly
, after
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "the" or "the" is left.
the the
high school if they are taking break and going to other places or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to gain knowledge about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
topics and interaction with other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to know about the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
culture and importance of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
In addition
, if they are going for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, it
Did you mean "helps"?
help
them to know the importance of
Possible spelling mistake found.
hardwork
to earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they will not waste
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
unnecessarily
like spending more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for shopping or paying
Possible spelling mistake found.
alot
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food and parties. In the fact that they came to know the importance of saving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. On the other way, the disadvantages include, if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to work and earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, they hesitate to go back to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are happy with what they are earning and their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they will not go back to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
due to that they force to continue their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
work. In
The comma is probably missing here: "future, it".
future it
will
Did you mean "effect"?
affect
for their reputation of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
In addition
, if they are going abroad for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, they will miss their family and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up with mental depression and it will affect their future.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
conclusion,
Possible spelling mistake found.
eventhough
they can earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and gain knowledge by taking break between their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it will affect their future.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
when youngsters are taking decision, they need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
properly
and need to take advise from their parents. In my opinion advantages can
Possible spelling mistake found.
overweigh
the disadvantages.
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IELTS essay In some countries young people are encouraged to workor travel for a year between finishing their high school and starting their university studies. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decided to do this

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
285 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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