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Nowadays young children are owing mobile phones. Some people agree and some disagree. What is your opinion about this?

Nowadays young children are owing mobile phones. Some people agree and some disagree. What is your opinion about this? m1XGN
Recently, young lads now own cell phones. Many people are in agreement, while others are not. In my opinion, this is not right and must be stopped owing to the fact that these children spend too much time on these gadgets and are also exposed indecently. Minors should not be given cellphones due to the fact that it is a source of distraction from their studies. They spend most of their free time either playing games, browsing or chatting with friends, which makes them abandon school work and thereby not excelling academically. For instance, it was recorded that 90% of children who failed in school had mobile phones. Therefore, it is advisable that children abstain from cellphones. Moreover, the use of mobile phones by young children exposes them inappropriately. Numerous sites are available where they learn all manners of atrocities, ranging from nudity to porn. As a result, their young minds get polluted and they start misbehaving, that is, they begin to manifest bad characters. For example, a current survey carried out in the State Juvenile Delinquent Prison shows that 95% of the inmates had cellphones at early stages of their lives. Thus, the use of mobile phones by minors should be discouraged. In conclusion, although there are many who patronize the use of mobile phones by children, I am highly against it because it not only has tendencies to keep children away from school work, but also provides unnecessary exposure to nudity and porn.
Recently, young lads
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are in agreement, while others are not. In my opinion, this is not right and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stopped
owing to the fact that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend too much time on these gadgets and are
also
exposed
indecently
.

Minors should not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
cellphones due to the fact that it is a source of distraction from their studies. They spend most of their free time either playing games, browsing or chatting with friends, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them abandon school work and thereby not excelling
academically
.
For instance
, it
was recorded
that 90% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who failed in school had mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
.
Therefore
, it is advisable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
abstain from cellphones.

Moreover
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
by young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
exposes them
inappropriately
. Numerous sites are available where they learn all manners of atrocities, ranging from nudity to porn.
As a result
, their young minds
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
polluted and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
misbehaving,
that is
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
to manifest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
characters.
For example
, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
survey carried out in the State Juvenile Delinquent Prison
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that 95% of the inmates had cellphones at early stages of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Thus
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
by minors should
be discouraged
.

In conclusion
, although there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
who patronize the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, I am
highly
against it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
has tendencies to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
away from school work,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
provides unnecessary exposure to nudity and porn.
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IELTS essay Nowadays young children are owing mobile phones. Some people agree and some disagree. What is your opinion about this?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
245 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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