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Nowadays, the individuals’ health is becoming worse due to the food quality. Do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, the individuals’ health is becoming worse due to the food quality. 0aOy9
owadays, food quality which is an challenging problem with all citizens due to the fact that it makes people health become more and more dreadful. I totally agree with this point of view and here are some specific reasons to prove this. First and foremost, junk food such as pizza, hambuger or fried chicken attract massive customers because about fast and convience but this kind of food contain a lot of grease which lead to skin infection especially acne and obesity. For example, companies in the USA usually have night shiff and extra working time so many worker have to eat fastfood instead of home made food that USA own a high proportion of fat people in the world. In addition, children put a big favor on sweet food like candy, ice cream or chocolate. These things can cause diabetes if children consume a large amount of them. For instance, in a family, parent let their children eat chocolates frequently due to their fondness and worry which make children to a picky eaters when they only want to eat chocolates. Last but not least is about the factory produce ingredient for restaurant. An real example for this is in china, adulteration in vegetable, meat is suffuse to every factories in this nation which put a dreadful health problems to consumers. Hence, food quality need to be balanced not to much grease or sugar but the most important is individuals awareness in choosing the suitable food for themselves.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
owadays
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
quality which is
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
challenging problem with all citizens due to the fact that it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
health become more and more dreadful. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this point of view and here are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
specific reasons to prove this.

First
and foremost, junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
such as pizza,
Possible spelling mistake found.
hambuger
or fried chicken attract massive customers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
and
Possible spelling mistake found.
convience
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
contain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
grease which lead to skin infection
especially
acne and obesity.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
in the USA
usually
have night
Possible spelling mistake found.
shiff
and extra working time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
worker
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
eat
Possible spelling mistake found.
fastfood
instead
of home made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
that USA
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
a high proportion of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the world.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
put a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
favor on sweet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
like candy, ice cream or chocolate. These things can cause diabetes if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
consume a large amount of them.
For instance
, in a family, parent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
eat chocolates
frequently
due to their fondness and worry which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to a picky
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "eater"?
eaters
when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
want to eat chocolates. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least is about the factory produce ingredient for restaurant.
Use "A" instead of 'An' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
An
real example for this is in
Capitalize this word if you mean the country, not white porcelain.
china
, adulteration in vegetable, meat is
Consider using a past participle here: "suffused".
suffuse
to every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "factory"?
factories
in this nation which put a dreadful health problems to consumers.

Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
quality need to
be balanced
not
Did you mean "too"?
to
much grease or sugar
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
is individuals awareness in choosing the suitable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
for themselves.
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IELTS essay Nowadays, the individuals’ health is becoming worse due to the food quality.

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
247 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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