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Nowadays television and the Internet have a greater influence on children's behavior than their parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays television and the Internet have a greater influence on children's behavior than their parents. RNqJ8
People have different views about whether parents still have a predominant influence on children these days. Although I agree that modern technologies have a noticable effect on young people's actions, I believe that parents still play the most important role in shaping their kids' behaviour. On the one hand, the appearance of television and the Internet makes it possible for students to know new information and other values in the world. There is an increasing number of TV programs, online games aiming at delivering various types of knowledge and entertainment which are readily accessible to children, and some of them are even designed for youngsters. It is not hard to imagine that these shows may have an effect, no matter positive or negative, on children's attitude towards the world and therefore the actions they take. For example, some young people may feel relentless about victims of a murder and they may even be inspired to commit murder if they watch too many films depicting murders and violence. On the other hand, parents are the people who spend the longest time with their kids. Children tend to copy what they see and hear from their parents, therefore they are still mainly influenced by their family members. For instance, a child will understand the importance of reading if his or her mom and dad spend at least 30 minutes on books every day. Moreover, the time that youngsters watch TV or play online games is still under the control of their parents, which means that parents could adjust how much their children's behaviour is affected by those advanced technologies. To summarize, we have to admit that modern developments such as TV and the Internet have a greater influence on young people than they used to, but parents are still the people who actually guide the direction of children's behaviour.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views about whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
still
have a predominant influence on children these days. Although I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that modern technologies have a
Possible spelling mistake found.
noticable
effect on young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's actions, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
still
play the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in shaping their kids'
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.

On the one hand, the appearance of television and the Internet
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it possible for students to know new information and other values in the world. There is an increasing number of TV programs, online games aiming at delivering various types of knowledge and entertainment which are
readily
accessible to children, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them are even designed for youngsters. It is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to imagine that these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
may have an effect, no matter
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
, on children's attitude towards the world and
therefore
the actions they take.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may feel relentless about victims of a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
murder and
they may even
be inspired
to commit murder if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
films depicting murders and violence.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who spend the longest time with their kids. Children tend to copy what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
and hear from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
,
therefore
they are
still
mainly
influenced by their family members.
For instance
, a child will understand the importance of reading if
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
mom and dad spend at least 30 minutes on books every day.
Moreover
, the time that youngsters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
TV or play online games is
still
under the control of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, which means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
could adjust how much their children's
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by those advanced technologies.

To summarize
, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
admit that modern developments such as TV and the Internet have a greater influence on young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
than they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are
still
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who actually guide the direction of children's
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.
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IELTS essay Nowadays television and the Internet have a greater influence on children's behavior than their parents.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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