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Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? goeD
There are growing concerns about using gadgets for having personal data about people, due to the fact that there exist clueless percentage of nations.  Some would think that monitoring can provide attacks, on the other hands this information may use for personal purposes.  In my opinion disadvantages outweigh advantages. The main advantages to monitoring data is finding early person, that has crime on mind.  Taking pre-action is the easiest and harmless way to detect them.  The tactic of using the force against to criminals may harm innocent human beings.  For example, from reports of FBI between 1980 and 2000, they recorded 335 incidents or suspected scenes of terrorism in the United States of America. However, misuse of private data happened, and it is happening now. In reality when everyone can find a lot of personal information, it is hard to do not bother about safety.  The vast majority of companies use records for manipulating with people’s choice. For example, during the presidential election in the USA in 2016, firms via Facebook tracked down groups of nations that easy to affect and gave them false reports to influence voting behavior. Facebook sued for failing to protect users' personal data in the Cambridge Analytica. The scandal involved collecting Facebook data of 87 million people being used for advertising during elections. In conclusion, the slightly benefits of sharing personal data is not outweigh past and future disadvantages.
There are growing concerns about using gadgets for having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
data about
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, due to the fact that there exist clueless percentage of nations.  
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that monitoring can provide attacks, on the other hands this information may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
purposes.  In my opinion disadvantages outweigh advantages.

The main advantages to monitoring data is finding early person, that has crime on mind.  Taking 
Possible spelling mistake found.
pre-action
 is the easiest and harmless way to detect them.  The tactic of using the force against to criminals may harm innocent human beings.  For example, from reports of FBI between 1980 and 2000, they recorded 335 incidents or suspected scenes of terrorism in the United States of America.

However
, misuse of private data happened, and it is happening
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
. In reality when everyone can find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
information, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to do not bother about safety.  The vast majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
records for manipulating with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s choice.
For example
, during the presidential election in the USA in 2016, firms via Facebook
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tracked
down groups of nations that easy to affect and gave them false reports to influence voting behavior. Facebook sued for failing to protect users' personal data in the Cambridge Analytica. The scandal involved collecting Facebook data of 87 million
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for advertising during elections.

In conclusion
, the
slightly
benefits of sharing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
data is not
Consider using a past participle here: "outweighed".
outweigh
past and future disadvantages.
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IELTS essay Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
199 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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