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Nowadays public transport prices are constantly increasing. Why do you think this is happening? How can this problem be solved? v.2

Nowadays public transport prices are constantly increasing. Why do you think this is happening? How can this problem be solved? v. 2
In recent years, increasing the fare of the public transportation is a serious issue in many centres of cities all over the world. So, it would be meaningful to discuss why such a problem has occurred and to suggest how to deal with this matter. To begin with, the workers who work in transportation industry are not offered proper wages and welfares. Also, there are not sufficient the number of workers performing in tubes, buses and trains. It naturally leads to raise the fee for transportation on account of there are a great deal of people talking a public transport, but workers working in various transportation enterprises do not devote to their duties in that they cannot be provided with the appropriate income as they spent a lot of time in working. In Korea, for example, it is not difficult to witness the strike of transportation' employees, they cannot enjoy even on holiday and did not get the overworking payment, so that numerous transportations are inclined to ascend the transportation fee due to offer more salary to their workers. Under this situation, I am firmly of the opinion that the power of the government is necessary. In the first place, the authorities should intervene in the transport corporations and invest a lot of revenue in workers who had undergone unfairness welfare or did not get proper profits. In this way, the citizens cannot feel uncomfortable anymore, including too long service interval and do not need to pay for growing fare of talking the transportations, as well as the employees working in the public transportation industry can labour enthusiastically and have responsibility for their obligations. For instance, in the short run, the government should serve and increase worker' earnings. It is imperative to dispose of their profoundly complaints, so that they can be able to keep working with pleasure mind. And in the long run, the nations should make the citizen awareness that the employees who are in charge of their commuting loads are strive people' security and they are desirable to get better payment. In conclusion, there are still severe causes and provocations which raise the transportation' fee. But, I am personally convinced that the government should tackle this issue and take countermeasures sooner.
In recent years, increasing the fare of the public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transportation
is a serious issue in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
of cities all over the world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it would be meaningful to discuss why such a problem has occurred and to suggest how to deal with this matter.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
who work in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transportation
industry are not offered proper wages and
Possible spelling mistake found.
welfares
.
Also
, there are not sufficient the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
performing in tubes, buses and trains. It
naturally
leads to raise the fee for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transportation
on account of there are a great
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "deals"?
deal
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
talking a public transport,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transportation
enterprises do not devote to their duties in that they cannot
be provided
with the appropriate income as they spent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
time in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
. In Korea,
for example
, it is not difficult to witness the strike of transportation' employees, they cannot enjoy even on holiday and did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the overworking payment,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transportations
are inclined
to ascend the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transportation
fee due to offer more salary to their workers.

Under this situation, I am
firmly
of the opinion that the power of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
is necessary. In the
first
place, the authorities should intervene in the transport corporations and invest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
revenue in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
who had undergone unfairness welfare or did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
proper profits. In this way, the citizens cannot feel uncomfortable anymore, including too long service interval and do not need to pay for growing fare of talking the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transportations
,
as well
as the employees
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in the public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transportation
industry can
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
enthusiastically
and have responsibility for their obligations.
For instance
, in the short run, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should serve and increase worker' earnings. It is imperative to dispose of their
profoundly
complaints,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
with pleasure mind. And in the long run, the nations should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the citizen awareness that the employees who are in charge of their commuting loads are strive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
'
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
security and
they are desirable to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
better payment.

In conclusion
, there are
still
severe causes and provocations which raise the transportation' fee.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, I am
personally
convinced that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should tackle this issue and take countermeasures sooner.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays public transport prices are constantly increasing. Why do you think this is happening? How can this problem be solved? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
374 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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