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Nowadays, people have developed poor eating habits and do not eat balanced diet. What are the reasons behind this? Suggest possible solutions to control this. v.1

Nowadays, people have developed poor eating habits and do not eat balanced diet. What are the reasons behind this? Suggest possible solutions to control this. v. 1
According to some, educators are keen on growth of students’ skills, such as social and academic development. However, I believe that parents are more reliable for children’s formation in different aspects as they surround children since their childhood and play a greater impact on their overall development. Firstly, I think parents are more responsible for student’s socialization for the reason that they spend more than 6 hours at school per day with their children. Secondly, it is obvious that parents are the people that child comes into contact with. Actually, studies have shown that much of the brain development occurs before the age of three. In that period of a child’s growth parents play a major role in their social improvement. Also, parents play a role not only on child’s socialization, but also on other aspects of formation, such as character-building, critical thinking, problem solving, due to the fact that since childhood, children are more likely to imitate actions their parents that their teachers. Talking about intellectual developments, firstly, I think that parents have more responsibility because they always direct their children in the certain way of education. In other words, based on the preferences of their children they decide in which way of intellectual areas children will grow. Secondly, since children’s childhood, parents teach them basic knowledge from alphabets to the numerals, which later becomes the basis for them to comprehend of cognitive improvement. Furthermore, it should be noted that sometimes educators do not pay attention to the students equally, for the reason that every student is an individual and has own view of the world. Overall, it is acceptable that teachers have more professionalism and competency in developing children’s intellect and the way they explore the world. However, parents have more responsibility for children’s formation and socialization because they are the first significant influencers before mentors.
According to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
, educators are keen on growth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, such as social and academic development.
However
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are more reliable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
formation in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
aspects as they surround
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
since their childhood and play a greater impact on their
overall
development.

Firstly
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are more responsible for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student’s
socialization for the reason that they spend more than 6 hours at school per day with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Secondly
, it is obvious that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that child
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
into contact with. Actually, studies have shown that much of the brain development occurs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the age of three. In that period of a child’s growth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
play a major role in their social improvement.
Also
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
play a role not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
on child’s socialization,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
on other aspects of formation, such as character-building, critical thinking, problem solving, due to the fact that since childhood,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are more likely to imitate actions their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
that their teachers.

Talking about intellectual developments,
firstly
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have more responsibility
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they always direct their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the certain way of education.
In other words
, based on the preferences of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
they decide in which way of intellectual areas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will grow.
Secondly
, since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
childhood,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
teach them basic knowledge from alphabets to the numerals, which later becomes the basis for them to comprehend of cognitive improvement.
Furthermore
, it should
be noted
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
educators do not pay attention to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
equally
, for the reason that every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
is an individual and has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
view of the world.

Overall
, it is acceptable that teachers have more professionalism and competency in developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
intellect and the way they explore the world.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have more responsibility for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
formation and socialization
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are the
first
significant influencers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
mentors.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays, people have developed poor eating habits and do not eat balanced diet. What are the reasons behind this? Suggest possible solutions to control this. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
308 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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