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Nowadays, parents and children are not as close as they used to be 20 years ago. do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, parents and children are not as close as they used to be 20 years ago. JoGr0
Parents and children are drifiting apart from each other with passage of time. This essay will explore how busy routines of parents and modern technology are the root causes of this concern, and how through improved work-life balance and moderate use of electronic gadgets, this issue can be curtailed to a large extent. There are myriad causes of weak relationship between children and parents. Firstly, hectic professional lives are to blame. As parents, who spend most of their time working, do not have enough time to spend with their children and develop a bond. For instance, in South Korea people on average work for 12 to 14 hours a day and they do not have sufficient time for children. Hence, busy routines are responsible for this growing concern. Secondly, modern technology is also reason for estranged children. As most people prefers to spend their free time on mobile phones using social media. This fact can be better illustrated by the example of a research pudlished in American Journal of Psychology, which suggests that the relationship among parents and children has become weaker after smart phones became popular. Thus, modern technology is taking a toll on family lives. However, there are certain viable measures, that can be taken to curb this issue. The primary solution I believe would be to develop a daily routine to allocate significant time for family. As a deep bond between children and their parents can be developed by valuable moments spent together. Furthermore, another effective solution would be a justified use of cellular phones. As extensive use of these devices is wasting time. To sum-up, even though use of smart phones is widespread and most people do not have the luxury of leisure time, but I believe through sparing some time for family life and reducing the use of electronic gadgets, this problem can be tackled to a large extent.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
Possible spelling mistake found.
drifiting
apart from each other with passage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. This

essay will explore how busy routines of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and modern technology are the

root causes of this concern, and how through
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
work-life balance and

moderate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of electronic gadgets, this issue can
be curtailed
to a large extent.

There are myriad causes of weak relationship between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and parents.

Firstly
, hectic professional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
are to blame. As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, who spend most of their

time working, do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to spend with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and develop

a bond.
For instance
, in South Korea
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
on average work for 12 to 14 hours a

Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
day and
they do not have sufficient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Hence
, busy routines are

responsible for this growing concern.

Secondly
, modern technology is
also
Consider using a past participle here: "reasoned".
reason
for estranged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
most

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
prefers
to spend their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
using social media. This

fact can be better illustrated by the example of a research
Possible spelling mistake found.
pudlished
in American

Journal of Psychology, which suggests that the relationship among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and

children has become weaker after smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
became popular.
Thus
, modern

technology is taking a toll on family
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

However
, there are certain viable measures, that can
be taken
to curb this issue.

The primary solution I believe would be to develop a daily routine to allocate

significant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for family. As a deep bond between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can

be developed
by valuable moments spent together.
Furthermore
, another

effective solution would be a justified
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of cellular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
extensive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of

these devices is wasting time.

To sum-up,
even though
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
is widespread and most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do

not have the luxury of leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I believe through sparing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for

family life and reducing the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of electronic gadgets, this problem can
be tackled


to a large extent.
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IELTS essay Nowadays, parents and children are not as close as they used to be 20 years ago.

Essay
  American English
7 paragraphs
314 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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