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Nowadays museum and historical sites are visited mainly by foreign tourists rather than by locals. Why is this happening? What can be done to get locals to visit museums and historical sites more often? v.2

Nowadays museum and historical sites are visited mainly by foreign tourists rather than by locals. Why is this happening? What can be done to get locals to visit museums and historical sites more often? v. 2
It has raised public concern over the past decades why overseas visitors are more enthusiastic for visiting museums and historical places compared with locals? There are numerous reasons for this problem and some measures can be taken to stimulate more local inhabitants to visit museums and historical places. First of all, from an economic perspective, the people who live in the host country are engaged with some financial issues find it difficult to pay costs of entrance, therefore they prefer spend leisure time with alternative entertainments. Indeed, for these people, the necessities of life overrides the important of obvious the historical places. Although this amount might be favorable for the tourists who choose to travel and they are willing to pay this expense. Secondly, notwithstanding the fact that these places are very worthwhile, indigenous people are less likely to allocate their time for visiting the place that they have already known. In other words, these sites can be found more repetitive and tedious for local people. Despite this, attendance of local people could be encouraged in a variety of ways. First and foremost, governments should raise public awareness about the importance of these locations. Veritably, museums and historical buildings should be taken into consideration as a part of one’s cultural heritage that are passed down from their ancestors. Government’s authorities, For instance, could held cultural festivals and events in these locations and at the result people find these places more enjoyable and attractive. Furthermore, devoting discount on entrance price or allocate free tickets to local people and particularly children for visit heritage sites in a regular basis. From what have been discussed above, we may conclude that the less public awareness about valuable historical places and financial issues result in reduction in number of local visitors over against foreign visitors. Although if the solution mentioned above are implemented, all people are more likely to be encouraged to visit these sites.
It has raised public concern over the past decades why overseas visitors are more enthusiastic for visiting museums and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
historical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
compared with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
locals
? There are numerous reasons for this problem and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
measures can
be taken
to stimulate more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
inhabitants to visit museums and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
historical
places.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, from an economic perspective, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in the host country
are engaged
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
financial issues find it difficult to pay costs of entrance,
therefore
they prefer spend leisure time with alternative entertainments.
Indeed
, for these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, the necessities of life overrides the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
of obvious the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
historical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
. Although this amount might be favorable for the tourists who choose to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
travel and
they are willing to pay this expense.
Secondly
, notwithstanding the fact that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
worthwhile, indigenous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are less likely to allocate their time for visiting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
that they have already known.
In other words
, these sites can
be found
more repetitive and tedious for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Despite this, attendance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could
be encouraged
in a variety of ways.
First
and foremost,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should raise public awareness about the importance of these locations.
Veritably
, museums and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
historical
buildings should
be taken
into consideration as a part of one’s cultural heritage that
are passed
down from their ancestors.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
’s authorities,
For instance
, could
The verb 'could' requires the base form of the verb: "hold"
held
cultural festivals and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
in these locations and at the result
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
find these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
more enjoyable and attractive.
Furthermore
, devoting discount on entrance price or allocate free tickets to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
particularly
children for visit heritage sites in a regular basis.

From what have
been discussed
above, we may conclude that the less public awareness about valuable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
historical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
and financial issues result in reduction in number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
visitors over against foreign visitors. Although if the solution mentioned above
are implemented
, all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more likely to
be encouraged
to visit these sites.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays museum and historical sites are visited mainly by foreign tourists rather than by locals. Why is this happening? What can be done to get locals to visit museums and historical sites more often? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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