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Nowadays more and more people are spending less time at home. Why do you think it happens? What effect does this have on individuals and the society? v.3

Nowadays more and more people are spending less time at home. Why do you think it happens? What effect does this have on individuals and the society? v. 3
In the modern world, people are showing more interest to spend time outside the house when compare to olden days. Let us see in below conversation how it was going to affect human life and also society as well. Firstly, in present world every individual is spending more than 12 hours of time at their workplace and in balance 12 hours of time they will have 8 hours of sleep, 2 hours of travelling and lastly they are having 2 hours for their family. Even that two hours of time also present generation are getting addicted to their gadgets, finally it is affecting the family relations which lead to bad impact on the public. Secondly, one more reason people spending less time at the house is to earn more for their family needs. As the cost of living is increased a lot compare to past, people has to pay more for their food, housing, education and also for clothing. In order to afford to their family needs, they are working for more time for earning money. Ultimately, it was effecting to their health and family relations. For instance, parents are not able to give much space to their children and they feel to less priority and was effected to their behaviour activities, which was bad to the younger generation and as well as to the world. In my view, if we are not able to spend healthy life at home with our family, definitely it will lead to negative impact on the human relations and on the society as well.
In the modern world,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are showing more interest to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
outside the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
when compare to olden days.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
us
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
in below conversation how it was going to affect human life and
also
society
as well
.

Firstly
, in present world every individual is spending more than 12
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at their workplace and in balance 12
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
they will have 8
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
of sleep, 2
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
of travelling and
lastly
they are having 2
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. Even that two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
also
present generation are getting addicted to their gadgets,
finally
it is affecting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
relations which lead to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
impact on the public.

Secondly
, one more reason
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
spending less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
is to earn more for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
needs. As the cost of living
is increased
a lot compare to past,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
has
to pay more for their food, housing, education and
also
for clothing. In order to afford to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
needs, they are working for more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for earning money.
Ultimately
, it was effecting to their health and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
relations.
For instance
, parents are not able to give much space to their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
children and
they feel to less priority and
was effected
to their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
activities, which was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
to the younger generation and
as well
as to the world.

In my view, if we are not able to spend healthy life at home with our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, definitely it will lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on the human relations and on the society
as well
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Nowadays more and more people are spending less time at home. Why do you think it happens? What effect does this have on individuals and the society? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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