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nowadays many people have access to computers on a wide basis and a large number of children play computer games. what are the negative impacts of children playing computer games and what can be done to minimize the bad effects

nowadays many people have access to computers on a wide basis and a large number of children play computer games. what are the negative impacts of children playing computer games and what can be done to minimize the bad effects 7xwb
Nowadays, the approach of some employers to provide gym or sports clubs memberships for their employees become common deed as a result of companies’ administrations’ conviction that this can lead to enhancement in staff’s health and effectiveness during work. In contrast, another portion of employers regard this attitude as worthless technique. I entirely agree with the first point of view, and in my perspective, it has great significance on staff and work efficiency. Exercising and doing regular sport can improve mental and physical abilities, which can boost the person’s performance in his daily life, as well as work. For instance, sports can help individuals to avoid and decrease bad habits, such as smoking and drinking of alcohol, and according to the famous quote, the perfect brain is inside the perfect body. Moreover, if companies encourage and support financially and emotionally their staff to have regular sports time, they will achieve not only higher revenue and income but also work conditions enhancement. Conversely, several organizations are not keen on this behaviour, in addition they see it with no benefits and they prefer saving money to using it in improvement of their staff health. Although they may reduce expenditure, they will lose more because of low employees’ performance. Furthermore, the long-term consequences will be detrimental for both the company achievements and workers development, and this will be followed by failure and bad reputation of the organization. In conclusion, corporation and organizations must give significant attention to their staff health and support them to adopt healthier life in order that they will exert more efforts during work, and this will achieve essential boom in the organization success. Companies with opposite point of view must amend their thinking way lest they should gain nothing except for failure.
Nowadays, the approach of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
employers to provide gym or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
clubs memberships for their employees become common deed
as a result
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies’
administrations’ conviction that this can lead to enhancement in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff’s
health and effectiveness during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
In contrast
, another portion of employers regard this attitude as worthless technique. I
entirely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
first
point of view, and in my perspective, it has great significance on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
efficiency.

Exercising and doing regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
mental and physical abilities, which can boost the person’s performance in his daily life,
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
individuals to avoid and decrease
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits, such as smoking and drinking of alcohol, and according to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
quote, the perfect brain is inside the perfect body.
Moreover
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
encourage and support
financially
and
emotionally
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
to have regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
time, they will achieve not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
higher revenue and income
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
conditions enhancement.

Conversely
, several organizations are not keen on this
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
,
in addition
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
it with no
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
benefits and
they prefer saving money to using it in improvement of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
health. Although they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
expenditure, they will lose more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of low employees’ performance.
Furthermore
, the long-term consequences will be detrimental for both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
achievements and workers development, and this will
be followed
by failure and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
reputation of the organization.

In conclusion
, corporation and organizations
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
give significant attention to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
health and support them to adopt healthier life in order that they will exert more efforts during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, and this will achieve essential boom in the organization success.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Companies
with opposite point of view
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
amend their thinking way lest they should gain nothing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
except for
failure.
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IELTS essay nowadays many people have access to computers on a wide basis and a large number of children play computer games. what are the negative impacts of children playing computer games and what can be done to minimize the bad effects

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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