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Nowadays many people aim to create a balance between their work and and other aspects of their life. However, only a few achieve it. What are the problem in doing this and what solution can you suggest?

In this contemporary world, four faces a major problem of creating a balance between their professional commercial along with their personal life. Whereas, hardly some individual achievement. This essay will discuss about the problem as well as solution of this issue in the pupils life. Firstly, the dominant reason of this complication is poor time management, reasonbeing, civilian do not handle their work properly that's why they are fail to utilise their time and other side of life. However, this problem is tackled by giving full concentration to their work which helps them in completing their task on time. Moreover, more focused towards the professional line also leads to disbalance in their remaining aspects of life. For example, according to the newspaper the globe 80% American citizen focus on the medium of earning money rather than concern about their health. Further glancing, competition in work field is another crucial standpoint by individuals do not create a stability in their life because, currently, each and every person try to surpass other in the private sector and due to this rivalry they focus more in their work instead of other fields. In addition to that, people also work hard so that they can provide their family a luxurious along with comfortable life for example according to the World Health Organisation the proportion of civilian died by heart attack rose from 30% in 2018 to 65% in 2020 all over the world along with they also reveal that the main cause of this and that is least attention towards their health. To sum up, bad time scheduling, desire towards luxurious lifestyle and earning money, competitiveness are the factors that lead towards the unstability in various aspects of life. Whereas, the solution of these problem are to be satisfied in their earning along with full focus towards their ongoing work.
In this contemporary world, four faces a major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
of creating a balance between their professional commercial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
along
with their personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, hardly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individual achievement. This essay will
Did you mean simply “discuss the”? You do not need the word “about” here.
discuss about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
as well
as solution of this issue in the
An apostrophe may be missing.
pupils
life.

Firstly
, the dominant reason of this complication is poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
management,
Possible spelling mistake found.
reasonbeing
, civilian do not handle their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
properly
that's why they are fail to
Possible spelling mistake. ‘utilise’ is British English.
utilise
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and other side of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
However
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is tackled
by giving full concentration to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them in completing their task on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
Moreover
, more focused towards the professional line
also
leads to disbalance in their remaining aspects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
For example
, according to the newspaper the globe 80% American citizen focus on the medium of earning money
rather
than concern about their health.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Further
glancing, competition in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
field is another crucial standpoint by individuals do not create a stability in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
,
currently
, each and every person try to surpass other in the private sector and due to this rivalry they focus more in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
instead
of other fields.
In addition
to that,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can provide their family a luxurious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
along
with comfortable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
for example
according to the World Health
Possible spelling mistake. ‘Organisation’ is British English.
Organisation
the proportion of civilian
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
by heart attack rose from 30% in 2018 to 65% in 2020 all over the world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
along
with they
also
reveal that the main cause of this and
that is
A determiner is probably missing here: “the least”.
least
attention towards their health.

To sum up,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
scheduling, desire towards luxurious lifestyle and earning money, competitiveness are the factors that lead towards the
Possible spelling mistake found.
unstability
in various aspects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, the solution of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
are to
be satisfied
in their earning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
along
with full focus towards their ongoing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
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IELTS essay Nowadays many people aim to create a balance between their work and and other aspects of their life. However, only a few achieve it. What are the problem in doing this and what solution can you suggest?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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