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Nowadays many countries the propotion of older population is higher than that of younger people. Do you think it is a positive and negative development?

Nowadays many countries the propotion of older population is higher than that of younger people. Do you think it is a positive and negative development? gYqO1
Undeniable, in technological and science advancement, these days some countries a number of older citizens is increased rather than adult. It is some negative effects outweigh of positive. Because, younger people are unemployed due to the older people working longer hours. Commencing with, in modern era, older population is higher in many countries. It is some positive effects. Firstly, new generation can not developed their own cultures. So, older citizens is best way to save their customers and cultures. Secondly, due to some financial problems, parents don't spend their quality time with children. Hence, old generation responsibility to take care of kids. Furthermore, a number of countries lifestyle is better and provide medical facilities. May be it must be useful for oldest. For example, in Japan, the propotion of oldest is less than 60% and it would be excellent food service. On the contrary, the increased of older population in negative effect on younger people. Since, oldest worked too long hour. Therefore, younger generations did not find jobs opportunity and they became unemployed. Government should not maintain their job amenities. Apart from this, older citizens suffered from diseases. Such as, asthma, heart problems, diabetes etcetera. So, government use economy for older. It provide hospitals and pansions. That is why, new generation can not provide medical amenities. As a result, younger population is decreased nowadays. To illustrate with, approximately 75%young people are unemployed in India. In conclusion, older population is uplift these days. It is many pros and cons. As for my point of view young people become less opportunities and don't find their jobs. Despite, oldest expand their business in many years. Government should be maintains their country aged level. Thus, in future, young individuals can developed their facilities and how to use their technology.
Undeniable, in technological and science advancement, these days
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
a number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
citizens
is increased
rather
than adult. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects outweigh of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are unemployed
due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
working longer hours. Commencing with, in modern era,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
is higher in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects.
Firstly
, new generation can not
The verb 'can' requires the base form of the verb: "develop"
developed
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
cultures.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
citizens
A determiner is probably missing here: "is the best".
is best
way to save their customers and cultures.
Secondly
, due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
financial problems, parents don't spend their quality time with children.
Hence
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
generation responsibility to take care of kids.
Furthermore
, a number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
lifestyle is better and provide medical facilities.
Did you mean "maybe" (= perhaps)?
May be
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be useful for oldest.
For example
, in Japan, the
Possible spelling mistake found.
propotion
of oldest is less than 60% and it would be excellent food service.
On the contrary
, the increased of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
“Since” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Since
,
A determiner is probably missing here: "the oldest".
oldest
worked too long hour.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
generations did not find jobs
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
opportunity and
they became unemployed.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
should not maintain their job amenities. Apart from this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
citizens suffered from diseases. Such as, asthma, heart problems, diabetes etcetera.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
economy for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
. It
Did you mean "provides"?
provide
hospitals and
Possible spelling mistake found.
pansions
.
That is
why, new generation can not provide medical amenities.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
is decreased
nowadays. To illustrate with, approximately 75%young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are unemployed
in India.
In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
is uplift these days. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
pros and cons. As for my point of view young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun opportunities is countable.
less
opportunities and don't find their jobs. Despite, oldest expand their business in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
should be
Consider using the past participle "maintained"?
maintains
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
aged level.
Thus
,
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
, young individuals can developed their facilities and how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their technology.
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IELTS essay Nowadays many countries the propotion of older population is higher than that of younger people. Do you think it is a positive and negative development?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
295 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
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