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Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth rather than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To What extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth rather than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. k3eR
Recent days, some of the popular people are getting the attention and fame due to their physical appearance and money rather than their talent or contributions. I admit that there are many celebrities known for their good looks and wealth and I believe this will badly affect the young generation. To commence with, the most famous people in the world are from the entertainment sector like fashion, music and sports, even though there are other sectors like science, medicine, military which requires more attention. The youngsters should be attracted to these careers which is more useful for the society. For example, there is need for young talented doctors and researchers in our country. In addition to this, teenagers will get addicted to the movies and sports and they start worshiping players or actors. Their studies and career will get badly affected by spending their valuable time for watching movies and matches. Admittedly, there are chances that young generation will start believe that beauty and money is the deciding factors for success. As an effect, they may not follow their passion and stop working hard to achieve their life goals. For instance, it is common that children of poor parents usually end their education at school level itself. Similarly, the increased usage of alcohol and drugs among teenagers and youngsters is also an after effect of following celebrities blindly. Many of the celebrities having the habit of drinking and smoking publicly and their movies also includes such scenes. To sum up, young individuals can be negatively influenced by celebrities who are famous for their beauty and richness. The youngsters will become less motivated and there are chances of getting addicted to bad habits.
Recent days,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
popular
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are getting the attention and fame due to their physical appearance and money
rather
than their talent or contributions. I admit that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
known for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
looks and wealth and I believe this will
badly
affect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation.

To commence with, the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the world are from the entertainment sector like fashion, music and sports,
even though
there are other sectors like science, medicine, military which requires more attention. The youngsters should
be attracted
to these careers which is more useful for the society.
For example
, there
is need
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
talented doctors and researchers in our country.
In addition
to this,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
addicted to the movies and
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
sports and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
worshiping players or actors. Their studies and career will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
badly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by spending their valuable time for watching movies and matches.

Admittedly
, there are chances that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
believe that beauty and money is the deciding factors for success. As an effect, they may not follow their passion and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to achieve their life goals.

For instance
, it is common that children of poor parents
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
their education at school level itself.
Similarly
, the increased usage of alcohol and drugs among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
and youngsters is
also
an after effect of following
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
blindly
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
having the habit of drinking and smoking
publicly
and their movies
also
includes such scenes.

To sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
individuals can be
negatively
influenced by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
who are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
for their beauty and richness. The youngsters will become less motivated and there are chances of getting addicted to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits.

IELTS essay Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth rather than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
282 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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