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No field of study can advance significantly unless it incorporates knowledge and experience from outside that field v.1

No field of study can advance significantly unless it incorporates knowledge and experience from outside that field v. 1
Nowadays, there is a high number of sports played by men are broadcast, compared to that of women. The main reason for this is the growing number of people having more interest in men’s sporting event. In my point of view, I believe that women’s sport should be paid the equal attention. On the one hand, the major factor that why the game played by men is more popular. To begin with, numbers of the audiences that watch men’s sport shows considerably out numbers shows of their female counterparts due to when a lot of viewers watch it, the broadcaster will have more advertising contracts, they would get more profits and more money. For example, male football in Vietnam attracts millions of viewers. The television channels will increase the advertising prices in the peak hours to hundreds of million for 30 seconds. On the other hand, sports play by women would be also gained the interest of the audiences that of men. Initially, as everyone has known, the men’s sport has been invented for a thousand years, but as the world becomes more modern, women have equal rights to gender, so female have also taken part in sport. Besides, there are some fast growing women’s sports such as aerobics and tennis which female gain a significant number of prices. For instance, the best female swimmer of Vietnam, Anh Vien, she won several gold medals for SEA GAMES 29, thanks to her accomplishments, people are also gradually tended follow women’s sport. To sum up, besides, the growth of the male’s sport, I think women’s sports should also be invested by broadcast.
Nowadays, there is a high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
played by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
are broadcast, compared to that of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
. The main reason for this is the growing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
having more interest in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men’s
sporting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
. In my point of view, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
should
be paid
the equal attention.

On the one hand, the major factor that why the game played by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
is more popular. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
numbers
of the audiences that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
considerably
out
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
numbers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
counterparts due to when
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
viewers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
it, the broadcaster will have more advertising contracts, they would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more profits and more money.
For example
, male football in Vietnam attracts millions of viewers. The television channels will increase the advertising prices in the peak hours to hundreds of million for 30 seconds.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
play by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
would be
also
gained the interest of the audiences that of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
.
Initially
, as everyone has known, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
has
been invented
for a thousand years,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
as the world becomes more modern,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have equal rights to gender,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
have
also
taken part in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
.
Besides
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
growing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
such as aerobics and tennis which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
gain a significant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of prices.
For instance
, the best
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
swimmer of Vietnam,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Anh
Possible spelling mistake found.
Vien
, she won several gold medals for SEA GAMES 29, thanks to her accomplishments,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
also
gradually
tended follow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women’s
sport.

To sum up,
besides
, the growth of the male’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
should
also
be invested
by broadcast.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay No field of study can advance significantly unless it incorporates knowledge and experience from outside that field v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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