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Needs and my experience of advertising

Needs and my experience of advertising 9LeN3
I think that advertising is extremely successful at persuading us to buy things. For it always makes me want to buy things. I felt like buying something yesterday also today after I saw it. For example, My mother bought a cleaner as soon as she saw the advertisement last month. On the other hand, It can't make my father buy things because he has strong intention to buy what he really want. For such people, It may makes nothing. But they are minority. So most people are become to want to buy things by it. By the way, I have never seen people who no longer pay attention to it, Although I have ever seen people that pay a little attention. So I want to recommend companies to advertise for specific people. I think advertising is so expensive. Companies must decrease the costs to advertise. I think there is way to decrease the costs. they should make low quality and quantity of advertising. I don't recommend that because products of the company must be sold less. Therefore I think advertising is totally effective.
I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that advertising is
extremely
successful at persuading us to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
things. For it always
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
me
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
things. I felt like buying something yesterday
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
after I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
it.
For example
, My mother
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
a cleaner as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
the advertisement last month.
On the other hand
, It can't
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
my father
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
things
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he has strong intention to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
what he
really
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "wants", "wanted".
want
. For such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, It may
The verb 'may' requires the base form of the verb: "make"
makes
nothing.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
they are minority.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are become
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
things by it. By the way, I have never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who no longer pay attention to it, Although I have ever
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that pay a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
attention.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to recommend
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
to advertise for specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
advertising is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
expensive.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
decrease the costs to advertise. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
there is way to decrease the costs.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
they
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
low quality and quantity of advertising. I don't recommend that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
products of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be sold
less.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
advertising is
totally
effective.
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IELTS essay Needs and my experience of advertising

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
183 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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