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Need of variation in retirement age

Need of variation in retirement age 0AoV9
Retirement is the end goal of majority of people. Everyone plans their saving and work for higher income while keeping the retirement age back of their minds. I think that setting a same retirement age for all the professions is illogical, let alone unfair and I am in favor of having various retirement age according to respective sectors. Generally, the age of 65 is accepted as the retirement year and this is the case of several sectors be it information technology, management, civil servant, and many more. But the thing is, the age should be set according to the type if job a person does in a particular field. For instance, the athletes retire in their early or mid 30's as their body no longer perform efficiently and they past their prime in late 20's.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Retirement
is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
goal of
It seems that an article is missing.
majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. Everyone plans their saving and work for higher income while keeping the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
back of their minds. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that setting a same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
for all the professions is illogical,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
alone
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
unfair and
I am in favor of having various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
according to respective sectors.

Generally
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 65 is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
year and this is the case of several sectors be it information technology, management, civil servant, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
the thing is, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
should
be set
according to the type if job a person does in a particular field.
For instance
, the athletes retire in their early or mid
Apostrophes aren't needed for decades: "30s".
30's
as their body no longer perform
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
efficiently and
they past their prime in late
Apostrophes aren't needed for decades: "20s".
20's
.

IELTS essay Need of variation in retirement age

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
135 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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