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Music can bring people together

Music can bring people together QMBk1
Music is indispensable part of human life over centuries. Some people argue that it can  bring  peace  and make people of different nation and ages closer.   Although I  agree to this statement, I believe not all kind of music can play this role. Some kind of music have received wide currency among  individuals around the world.   International music such as pop music are popular among many people. Although each nation has its own traditional music, international music play in the most  people's home around  the world. The shining example is international singers like Shakira, Lady gaga who are well known worldwide. When they plan to have worldwide concert tour, many fans ranging from teenagers to elderly participate in their concert. Consequently, music can be the reason for such huge gathering. On the other hand,    other kinds of music such as folk music or traditional music  cannot be appealing for people from other country or even adolescents. Even traditional music has fallen from grace between teenagers, and they prefer to listen modern music  instead. In other world, these kinds of music belong to special group of people and are not attractive for others. Furthermore, other huge events such as Olympic or world cups  can be grater reason for gathering people who have  various races, religions and ages. These events are much bigger and include a wide verity of  people. In conclusion, I partially agree that some kind of music can bring people who have different cultures and ages. However, not all type of it can be attractive to people, and other events can encourage more people  from different countries to be together.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
is indispensable part of human life over centuries.
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Some
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people
argue that it can
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bring
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peace
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and
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make
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people
of
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different
nation and ages closer.
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Although I
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agree
to this statement, I believe not all
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kind
of
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music
can play this role.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kind
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
have received wide currency among
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individuals around the
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world
.
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International
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
such as pop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
are popular among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Although each nation has its
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own
traditional
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music
, international
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music
play in the most
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people
's home around
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the
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world
. The shining example is international singers like Shakira,
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Lady gaga
who are well known worldwide. When they plan to have worldwide concert tour,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
fans ranging from
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teenagers
to elderly participate in their concert.
Consequently
,
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music
can be the reason for such huge gathering.

On the
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other
hand,  
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 other
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kinds
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
such as folk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
or traditional music
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cannot be appealing for
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people
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
country or even adolescents. Even traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has fallen from grace between
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
, and they prefer to listen modern music
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instead
. In
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other
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world
, these
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kinds
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
belong to special group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and are not attractive for others.
Furthermore
,
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other
huge
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
such as Olympic or
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world
cups
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can be grater reason for gathering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have
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various races, religions and ages. These
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
are much bigger and include a wide verity of
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This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
, I
partially
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agree
that
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some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kind
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cultures and ages.
However
, not all type of it can be attractive to
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people
, and
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other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
can encourage more
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people
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from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries to be together.
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IELTS essay Music can bring people together

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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