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Museums and art galleries should concentrate on local works rather than showing the cultures or artworks from other countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Museums and art galleries should concentrate on local works rather than showing the cultures or artworks from other countries. l6dQ
No, I disagree because nowadays it is quite peculiar for museums to showcase versatile monuments and paintings which popular all over the world. This actually intends more visitors and benefits people to educate about the history and traditions of a country.  Museums with international compilation often attract tourists and can be a great way to promote tourism. For instance, the Whales Museum in India has a collection from more than 20 countries and they serve their purpose just fine.
No, I disagree
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
nowadays it is quite peculiar for museums to showcase versatile monuments and paintings which popular all over the world. This actually intends more visitors and benefits
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to educate about the history and traditions of a country.  Museums with international compilation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
attract tourists and can be a great way to promote tourism.
For instance
, the Whales Museum in India has a collection from more than 20
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
countries and
they serve their purpose
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
fine.

IELTS essay Museums and art galleries should concentrate on local works rather than showing the cultures or artworks from other countries.

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
78 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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