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Multicultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnic peoples, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Thanks to more widely open policies in economy and immigration of many countries, the 21st century has witnessed the surprisingly increasing formation of multicultural societies where a varying number of ethnic people stay together. Although it has both positive and negative effects to a country, it seems to me that we are more likely to obtain more benefits than disadvantages from this kind of society. The more diverse the residents of a country are, the more cultural values they can share to enhance their awareness and knowledge of culture and tradition. People will get more directly engaged in understanding unique customs or rituals, life and work attitudes from their foreign neighbours, colleagues and friends. As a consequence, they enable to adapt the cultural diversity in order to develop their interpersonal skills and live closer to other cultures without having to live in person in another country. Additionally, once people can know more about each other through everyday interactions at work or schools, the severe conflicts or even wars will be remarkably alleviated. It is undeniable that there might have some drawbacks that multicultural communities bring to a country. Racial disparity accelerated, the wealth-poverty gap deteriorated, different culture tensions are specific cases for what are the so-called drawbacks, but the inhabitants can overcome these when the government implement friendly-ethnic peoples’ policies, as well as the dwellers, have positive thoughts and behaviours to live compatibly with others. Stimulating multiculturalism in a society will offer numerous advantages to a country rather than undesirable effects. Therefore, each individual should savour every rewarding moment of living in their multicultural community and proudly spread their unique traditions to international friends so as to increase the diversity. It is believed that multicultural environments bring many advantages for many people, since the variety of races, cultures and traditions will make the country become unique and attractive. Although, multicultural societies have some negative issues, but I do believe that the positive sides are greater than the negative ones. On the one hand, countries that have multicultural communities have some similar problems. Firstly, it is common that discrimination would have been the main issue. Some groups of people feel that their races are the most superior one; therefore they would underestimate certain kinds of races. Secondly, there is always a debate about religious activities, as some groups might have extreme faith in their religions and would annoy other believers. One of the classic examples would be the debate of religion in Israel between the Jewish and the Palestinian, which have caused so many casualties. Despite all the drawbacks, multiculturalisms will bring many advantages for the government and the people, if they are well managed. Multicultural societies make the city become alive and fascinating, as some sides of the city shown Asiatic cultures, while on the other side it shows Western civilisations. This situation makes the city becomes unique and would attract tourists from many parts of the world. As a result, it will boost the tourism industry, create a lot of employments and generate income tax for the governments. There are many multicultural cities that are well known, such as Sydney, Toronto and Singapore and they are considered as advanced cities, due to the proper management of its local government. In conclusion, it is undeniable that multicultural environment has its own advantages and disadvantages. In my point of view, I do believe that multicultural societies have more benefits than its drawbacks if they are managed properly by the government.
Thanks to more
widely
open policies in economy and immigration of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, the 21st century has witnessed the
surprisingly
increasing formation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multicultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
where a varying number of ethnic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
stay together. Although it has both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, it seems to me that we are more likely to obtain more benefits than disadvantages from this kind of society.

The more diverse the residents of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
are, the more cultural values they can share to enhance their awareness and knowledge of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
and tradition.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more
directly
engaged in understanding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unique
customs or rituals, life and work attitudes from their foreign
Possible spelling mistake. ‘neighbours’ is British English.
neighbours
, colleagues and friends. As a consequence, they enable to adapt the cultural diversity in order to develop their interpersonal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
closer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
without having to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in person in another country.

Additionally
, once
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can know more about each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
through everyday interactions at work or schools, the severe conflicts or even wars will be
remarkably
alleviated. It is undeniable that there might have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drawbacks
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multicultural
communities bring to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. Racial disparity accelerated, the wealth-poverty gap deteriorated,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
tensions are specific cases for what are the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
-called
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drawbacks
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the inhabitants can overcome these when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
implement friendly-ethnic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples’
policies,
as well
as the dwellers, have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
thoughts and
Possible spelling mistake. ‘behaviours’ is British English.
behaviours
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
compatibly
with others.

Stimulating multiculturalism in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
will offer numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantages
to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
rather
than undesirable effects.
Therefore
, each individual should
Possible spelling mistake found.
savour
every rewarding moment of living in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multicultural
community and
proudly
spread their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unique
traditions to international friends
‘So as to’ expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using “to”
so as to
increase the diversity. It
is believed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multicultural
environments bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantages
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, since the variety of races,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
and traditions will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unique
and attractive. Although,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multicultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
issues,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I do believe that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
sides are greater than the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
ones.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
that have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multicultural
communities have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
similar problems.
Firstly
, it is common that discrimination would have been the main issue.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
groups of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel that their races are the most superior one;
therefore
they would underestimate certain kinds of races.
Secondly
, there is always a debate about religious activities, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
groups might have extreme faith in their religions and would annoy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
believers. One of the classic examples would be the debate of religion in Israel between the Jewish and the Palestinian, which have caused
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
casualties.

Despite all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drawbacks
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
multiculturalisms
will bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantages
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, if they are well managed.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Multicultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the city become alive and fascinating, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sides of the city shown Asiatic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
, while on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
side it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
Western
Possible spelling mistake. ‘civilisations’ is British English.
civilisations
. This situation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the city becomes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unique
and would attract tourists from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parts of the world.
As a result
, it will boost the tourism industry, create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
employments and generate income tax for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multicultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
that are well known, such as Sydney, Toronto and
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
Singapore and
they
are considered
as advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
, due to the proper management of its local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

In conclusion
, it is undeniable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multicultural
environment has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantages
and disadvantages. In my point of view, I do believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multicultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
have more benefits than its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drawbacks
if they
are managed
properly
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
.
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IELTS essay Multicultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnic peoples, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country.

Essay
  American English
7 paragraphs
579 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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