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more students tend to do a part time job during summer vacation. discuss the pros and cons of this trend

more students tend to do a part time job during summer vacation. discuss the pros and cons of this trend X7JQA
Due to an increasing demand for a better quality of life, more and more students have tendency to take advantage of their summer vacation to do a part time job. This arising trend is accompanied with some effects, both negative and positive sides, could be considered. On the one hand, there are some undeniable advantages when students work part- time on summer holiday. First and foremost, it is practical knowledge which students gain thanks to first-hand experience in the marketplace, which can be a good preparation for their future career. In fact, many corporations require their employees hands-on trial, which means that these students ever working part-time will have priority over other candidates. Futhermore, with the money set aside from working, they can even support their family as well as their life. For example, students are completely be able to afford their tuition fees, daily needs by part- time earnings, which will lessen the economic burden on each individual’s family. On the other hand, disadvantages are inevitable. First, during the time when still being students, it is really beneficial to dig into books, materials, … or apply for courses in which students are supported to grasp better knowledge and have deeper insight into their majors. Part-time jobs will take up a large time and probably prevent them from these benefits. Secondly, when it comes to earning a job, youngsters are inexperienced and will easier to be cheated or even overused for negative purposes. For instance, not having knowledge about job agreement, they will sign a contract which is illegal or disadvantageous for themselves. All in all, everything has two sides and being a part-time students is not an exception. I personally believe that they should consider some good jobs related to their study so that not only can they earn a living but also accumulate much experience.
Due to an increasing demand for a better quality of life, more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have tendency to take advantage of their summer vacation to do a part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. This arising trend is
The usual collocation for "accompany" is "by," not "with." It is better to say this: "accompanied by".
accompanied with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
effects, both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
sides, could
be considered
.

On the one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
undeniable advantages when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
work part-
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on summer holiday.
First
and foremost, it is practical knowledge which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
gain thanks to
first
-hand experience in the marketplace, which can be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
preparation for their future career. In fact,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
corporations require their employees hands-on trial, which means that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
ever working part-time will have priority over other candidates.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Futhermore
, with the money set aside from working, they can even support their family
as well
as their life.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are completely
Consider using a past participle here: "been".
be
able to afford their tuition fees, daily needs by part-
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
earnings, which will lessen the economic burden on each individual’s family.

On the other hand
, disadvantages are inevitable.
First
, during the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
when
still
being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, it is
really
beneficial to dig into books, materials, … or apply for courses in which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are supported
to grasp better knowledge and have deeper insight into their majors. Part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
will take up a large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
probably
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them from these benefits.
Secondly
, when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to earning a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, youngsters
are inexperienced
and will easier to
be cheated
or even overused for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
purposes.
For instance
, not having knowledge about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
agreement, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
a contract which is illegal or disadvantageous for themselves.

All in all, everything has two sides and being a part-time
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "student"?
students
is not an exception. I
personally
believe that they should consider
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
related to their study
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
can they earn a living
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
accumulate much experience.
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IELTS essay more students tend to do a part time job during summer vacation. discuss the pros and cons of this trend

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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