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More people put their personal information online (address, telephone number,...) for everyday activities such as socializing on social networks or banking purpose. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

More people put their personal information online (address, telephone number, . . . ) for everyday activities such as socializing on social networks or banking purpose. Do you think it is a positive or negative development? XLxN
It is true that rapid advances in technology and the internet indeed enable people to complete many tasks on daily basis. The result is that they more tend to publish their private information on a few social platforms and banking accounts for these activities. Therefore, this essay aims to analyze the upsides and downsides of this phenomenon. On the one hand, putting personal information on internet may pose hazards for individuals. Only by depending on loose information management of social networks can we lose control over its security. As a consequence, cyber crimes are likely to steal the information and the users may in danger of suffering cyber-attack, blackmail, …Besides, due to many benefits or purposes, many websites, banks, . . taking advantage of users’ believe have spoiled their information. Facebook accurately exemplifies this situation when just from 2015, this social networking site have been constantly prosecuted for leaking private information of users. This is a testament for how publishing information can be negative. On the other hand, it would be imprudent to downplay the advantages of the providing personal information online. A deatailed account including address, gender, age, … can fulfill the users demands by accessing appropriate and close events, people. Like it indeed happens, many users effortlessly interact with acquaintances as they have the same countryside so have a chance to keep in touch with each other in the long run. Besides, if people lack times due to busy with work, they can have some fundamental activities done by services containing their information. For example, paying electronic bills online is ubiquitous because users just need to associate bank account with some detailed information and the bank will take responsibility to pay the bills promptly. In summary, it is obvious that provide personal information online have particularly positive and negative results. Regardless of the merits and flaws, this phenomenon will be more developed in near future.
It is true that rapid advances in technology and the internet
indeed
enable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to complete
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
tasks on daily basis. The result is that they more tend to publish their private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
on a few social platforms and banking accounts for these activities.
Therefore
, this essay aims to analyze the upsides and downsides of this phenomenon.

On the one hand, putting personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
on internet may pose hazards for individuals.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
by depending on loose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
management of social networks can we lose control over its security. As a consequence, cyber crimes are likely to steal the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
may in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
of suffering cyber-attack, blackmail, …
Add a space between sentences
Besides
, due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits or purposes,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
websites, banks
Did you just mean "," or "."?
, .
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
taking
advantage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users’
believe have spoiled their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
. Facebook
accurately
exemplifies this situation when
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
from 2015, this social networking site have been
constantly
prosecuted for leaking private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
. This is a testament for how publishing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
.

On the other hand
, it would be imprudent to downplay the advantages of the providing personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
online. A
Possible spelling mistake found.
deatailed
account including address, gender, age, … can fulfill the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
demands by accessing appropriate and close
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. Like it
indeed
happens,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
effortlessly
interact with acquaintances as they have the same countryside
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
have a chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in touch with each other in the long run.
Besides
, if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
lack times due to busy with work, they can have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fundamental activities done by services containing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
.
For example
, paying electronic bills online is ubiquitous
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
need to associate bank account with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
detailed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
and the bank will take responsibility to pay the bills
promptly
.

In summary, it is obvious that provide personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
online have
particularly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
results. Regardless of the merits and flaws, this phenomenon will be more developed in near future.
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IELTS essay More people put their personal information online (address, telephone number, . . . ) for everyday activities such as socializing on social networks or banking purpose. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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