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More old people look for job and have to work with young people

More old people look for job and have to work with young people pXxw9
Today majority of elders are looking for jobs and they have to work with youth for the same area. However, the situation has wrong impacts which government should reduce. One of the problem, older people cannot secure the place if they have job related to security. Because, many youths have good physical form than seniors. For instance, by the facts of scientists, 70 per cent of old people are more likely to be threatened. Next obvious issue that getting knew knowledge or information is difficult. Nowadays, more young generation tend to choose IT software. This kind of work can be hard for them. The government needs to take measures to reduce such problems. First of all, for every people in age 50+ should provide free intensive courses. For example, Finland is one of the developed countries in the world. Their government use this idea for a long time, which have useful impact for every seniors. They can work in each area without difficulty. The other solution is opening vacancies only for elders. Meanwhile, job description should be fitted for aged people employees Thus, more individuals can find job without this kind of situation. In addition, it will help people who cannot stay at home and who want to earn money. To conclude, there is a competition between these groups of people, in more cases young generation do not have difficulties in finding job. However, despite this, with right training and change recruitment, older people can work equally to the younger generation.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
majority of elders are looking for
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
jobs and
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
with youth for the same area.
However
, the situation has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
impacts which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
.

One of the problem, older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot secure the place if they have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
related to security.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youths have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
physical form than seniors.
For instance
, by the facts of scientists, 70 per cent of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more likely to
be threatened
.
Next
obvious issue that getting knew knowledge or information is difficult. Nowadays, more young generation tend to choose IT software. This kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for them.

The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
needs to take measures to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
such problems.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, for every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in age 50+ should provide free intensive courses.
For example
, Finland is one of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
in the world. Their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
for a long time, which have useful impact for every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "senior"?
seniors
. They can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in each area without difficulty. The other solution is opening vacancies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for elders. Meanwhile,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
description should
be fitted
for aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
employees
Thus
, more individuals can find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
without this kind of situation.
In addition
, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who cannot stay at home and who want to earn money.

To conclude
, there is a competition between these groups of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, in more cases young generation do not have difficulties in finding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
However
, despite this, with right training and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
recruitment, older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
equally
to the younger generation.
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IELTS essay More old people look for job and have to work with young people

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
251 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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