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more and more children become overweigth government should be responsible

more and more children become overweigth government should be responsible WGeaN
Its believes that government should played a role in helping overweight children who is suffered from unscientific eating diets and becoming more unhealthy. Therefore support them to eat more logically and being in shape. In my perspective, I disagree with this and this essay will address my view clearly. Admittedly, the government should concern and give credit to such a big issue in today world like overweight children. Because some parents didn't teach them how to eat right and they just keep feeding their kids unconsiously without knowing it will contribute to their fatness in the future. Therefore it will lead to unhealthy diets such as eating oily food, fast food, . . . Secondly that in many developing countries they didn't have the right vision in scientific eating so we can seen that many children suffered from obesity and overweight in many kind. It's responsible for government to act in some ways to point out the significant overweight issue so that citizens will aware of that but I think that each individuals have the most responsibility in this case more than the government. By contrast, I think that parents who has raise overweight children should be the ones who should be responsible for all this crisis. If we want to have a child, we also need to learn how to feed and raise a child in a good and healthy ways. Therefore its clear that many individuals didn't give attention to that and raise a children with their own demand in foods. Leads to unscientific eating diets and overweight problems. Because of that they should educated themselves before born and raised a child not just raise them without knowing the consequences in overweight. School also need to educated the children more about the consequences of overly eating sweets, unhealthy food therefore help them to have a good understanding in their own diets. When its come to overweight, the kids also need to be educated about their behaviors over food and how to control their diets in everyday life by parents and adults without depending in the governments to help them because its their own issue and they need to act to solve their own problems. In conclusion, its important for parents to realize this issue and help their kids. Although some government will give an eyes on this issue, parents and children always need to self aware with control their own diet
Its
Did you mean "beliefs" (noun) instead of believes (verb)?
believes
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
The verb 'should' requires the base form of the verb: "play"
played
a role in helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
Did you mean "am", "are", "aren"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'children' should be used.
is
suffered from unscientific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
diets and becoming more unhealthy.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
support them to eat more
logically
and being in shape. In my perspective, I disagree with this and this essay will address my view
clearly
.

Admittedly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should concern and give credit to such a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
world like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
didn't teach them how to eat
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
right and
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
feeding their kids
Possible spelling mistake found.
unconsiously
without knowing it will contribute to their fatness in the future.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
it will lead to unhealthy diets such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
oily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
Did you just mean "," or "."?
, .
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Secondly
that in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
they didn't have the right vision in scientific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
we can
Did you mean "see" or "be seen"?
seen
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
suffered from obesity and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
kind. It's responsible for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to act in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ways to point out the significant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that citizens will aware of that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that each
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "individual"?
individuals
have the most responsibility
in this case
more than the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

By contrast, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
who
Did you mean "have", "haven"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'parents' should be used.
has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
raise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should be the ones who should be responsible for all this crisis. If we want to have a child, we
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to learn how to feed and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
raise
a child in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and healthy ways.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals didn't give attention to that and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
raise
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
demand in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
. Leads to unscientific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
diets and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
problems.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of that they should
The verb 'should' requires the base form of the verb: "educate"
educated
themselves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
born and raised a child not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
raise
them without knowing the consequences in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
. School
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
Did you mean "to educate"?
to educated
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
more about the consequences of
overly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
sweets, unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
therefore
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
understanding in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
diets. When its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
, the kids
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to
be educated
about their behaviors over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and how to control their diets in everyday life by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and adults without
The verb 'to depend' requires the preposition '(up)on': "depending on".
depending
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
Did you mean "it's" (="it is") instead of 'its' (possessive pronoun)?
its
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
issue and
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to act to solve their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
problems.

In conclusion
, its
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to realize this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their kids. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
will give an eyes on this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
always
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self aware
with control their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
diet
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IELTS essay more and more children become overweigth government should be responsible

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
402 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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