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More and more adults spend time playing computer games. Why is this the case Is it a good or bad development

More and more adults spend time playing computer games. Why is this the case Is it a good or bad development Aw12n
Nowadays, we live in computer time, in the other words, in time the highest technology. And it affected on our life and also lifestyle. In particular, it related with adults and how computer games reflected on life. What is the reason that more adults spend time in virtual reality? First of all, it is due to the fact that science does not stop on one place, it develops every day. Nobody of us can not avoid innovations. Secondly, it related with exhausting, tedious, repetitive work. Our parents find some action which can help to relax them. And owing to this they can forget about problem for a while. And, thirdly, it happened because of us, teenagers. We talk about this in everywhere. Also the question arises it develops adults or not. To some extent, this is good for them because in the phone you can find a lot of different apps which can help to develop mind. But in the other hand, nowadays programmers create more relaxation games than games for development. Most of this games give people not only to give away but also help them degrade. To some up, more and more technologies penetrate into our lives. And it is obvious that adults start to use this. But I would say that If they play modernity, their life will be better and easier than before. And I want to give an advice for adults so that they do not get too involved in games and spend more time with children.
Nowadays, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, in the other words, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
the highest technology. And it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
on our life and
also
lifestyle.
In particular
, it related with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
and how computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
reflected on life.

What is the reason that more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in virtual reality?
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is due to the fact that science does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
on one place, it develops every day. Nobody of us can not avoid innovations.
Secondly
, it related with exhausting, tedious, repetitive work. Our parents find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
action which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to relax them. And owing to this they can forget about problem for a while. And,
thirdly
, it happened
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of us,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
. We talk about this in everywhere.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
the question arises it develops
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
or not. To
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent, this is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
in the phone you can find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
apps which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to develop mind.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
in the other hand, nowadays programmers create more relaxation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
for development. Most of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
give
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to give away
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them degrade.

To
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
up, more and more technologies penetrate into our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. And it is obvious that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
this.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I would say that If they play modernity, their life will be better and easier than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. And I want to give
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "advice".
an advice
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
too involved in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with children.
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IELTS essay More and more adults spend time playing computer games. Why is this the case Is it a good or bad development

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
252 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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