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Money cannot buy you happiness. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Money cannot buy you happiness. To what extent do you agree or disagree? GMLEm
Achieving happiness has always been one of the priorities of humankind. In this regard, while I believe that money has a role to play in making a person happy, I think that the true source of happiness lies in relationships and health. It is true that meeting our basic necessities is impossible if we do not have enough money. On a daily basis, people need to go to grocery stores, buy services, pay transportation fares – all of which are made through financial means. Shortcomings in at least one of the abovementioned make them feel dissatisfied. Moreover, people’s never-ending materialistic needs, such as desire to drive a brand new car or live in a luxurious apartment in downtown, are factors that are attributed to happiness and fulfilled with money. However, I would argue that health and relationships are two inextricable and more important elements in life that are cores of happiness. Sound health a person has is probably the most valuable asset; with which he/she can lead a happy life. To illustrate, for the one who is suffering from a debilitating illness, say, cancer, nothing can help but family’s support and care. Another clear example on why money’s role is minimal in happiness can be millionaires, including Steve Jobs who has died from cancer; having accumulated wealth throughout their lives, they put little emphasis on health as well as relationships. In conclusion, although in satisfying our basic needs money can play its part, I believe that health and relationships are crucial components of happiness in life that money cannot buy.
Achieving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
has always been one of the priorities of humankind. In this regard, while I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
has a role to play in making a person happy, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the true source of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
lies in relationships and health.

It is true that meeting our
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
is impossible if we do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. On a daily basis,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
need to go to grocery stores,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
services, pay transportation fares
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
all of which
are made
through financial means. Shortcomings in at least one of the
Possible spelling mistake found.
abovementioned
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them feel dissatisfied.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s never-ending materialistic needs, such as desire to drive a
'brand new' seems to be a compound adjective in front of a noun. Use a hyphen: "brand-new".
brand new
car or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a luxurious apartment in downtown, are factors that
are attributed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
and fulfilled with money.

However
, I would argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and relationships are two inextricable and more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
elements in life that are cores of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. Sound
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
a person has is
probably
the most valuable asset; with which he/she can lead a happy life. To illustrate, for the one who is suffering from a debilitating illness, say, cancer, nothing can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
family’s support and care. Another
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
example on why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money’s
role is minimal in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
can be millionaires, including Steve Jobs who
Did you mean "have", "haven"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'Jobs' should be used.
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
from cancer; having accumulated wealth throughout their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, they put
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
emphasis on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
as well
as relationships.

In conclusion
, although in satisfying our basic needs
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can play its part, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and relationships are crucial components of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in life that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
.
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IELTS essay Money cannot buy you happiness. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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