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Money can buy happiness, do you agree?

Money can buy happiness, do you agree? neGGl
Money is one of the most important necessities in our life, and some people believe that having a large an amount of money can make their life easier without financial depressure. All people use their lifetime to work to earn for earning money to live on. They need many things in their life which need money to get them, but everything in the world has a price, nothing is free. First of all, money helps us to purchase goods, products? productions, and the best services such as healthcare, education, … for our life, and even our family. Money does not bring us health, but it can pay for the best treatment, as well as provide the best education for our child later on. Next, each person other has their own dreams and, plans in their life, but some people give up their dreams. The reason for this is that they do not have enough money to carry out their plan, their study, and their dream, …Therefore, they just do jobs which help them be able to earn money to cover their life without any hobbies or passions, and are they really happy with that? In conclusion, money cannot buy happiness and we have many ways to create happiness, it comes from simple things in life, but do not let the pressure of money make you give up your life and live without happiness.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
is one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
necessities in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that having a large an amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
easier without financial
Possible spelling mistake found.
depressure
. All
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their lifetime to work to earn for earning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
on. They need
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
which need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
them,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
everything in the world has a price, nothing is free.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
us to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
, products?
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
productions
, and the best services such as healthcare, education, … for our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, and even our family.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
does not bring us health,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it can pay for the best treatment,
as well
as provide the best education for our child later on.
Next
, each person other has their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
dreams and, plans in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
give up their dreams.
The reason for this is
that they do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to carry out their plan, their study, and their dream, …
Add a space between sentences
Therefore
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
do jobs which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them be able to earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to cover their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
without any hobbies or passions, and are they
really
happy with that?
In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
happiness and
we have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways to create happiness, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
from simple things in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
the pressure of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
you give up your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
without happiness.
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IELTS essay Money can buy happiness, do you agree?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
233 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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