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MONEY CAN BUY HAPPINESS. DO YOU AGREE?

MONEY CAN BUY HAPPINESS. DO YOU AGREE? BLP7j
It is true that money is the essential thing for human in any period, it will be hard to live without money. While some people think that being wealthy is lead to happiness and money can buy anything, I strongly believe that it still have something money can not buy it, one of that is happiness. On the one hand, there are a variety of reasons why money is considered can buy happiness. Firstly, it is known that everything peoples need for living can buy by money include foods, clothes…, if people do not have sufficient food or clothes, how can happy? Secondly, there are several of people feel interested in collect something expensive like cars, watches or luxury stuffs, so it is their happy to have money for buy new things like that. For two reasons given, money can buy happiness. On the other hand, I personally think that money can not buy happiness for some people. For instance, there are many billionaire in the world do not happy with their wealthy life, having too much money is being burden with them. The answer for that is when people have plenty of money, it must be same with the work, responsibility of them. Additionally, wealthy people also live with many fear like robbed, being murder, …, so people always in anxious about how to save their money and their life. Therefore, money can not buy happiness for some people like that. In conclusion, for all the aforementioned reasons, I strongly state that money can be the happiness for some people but not all, so, money can not totally buy happiness.
It is true that
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money
is the essential thing for human in any period, it will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
without
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money
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
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people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that being wealthy is lead to
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happiness
and
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money
can
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buy
anything, I
strongly
believe that it
still
have something
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money
can not
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buy
it, one of
that is
happiness.

On the one hand, there are a variety of reasons why
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money
is considered
can
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buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
Firstly
, it
is known
that everything
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peoples
need for living can
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buy
by
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money
include foods, clothes…, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not have sufficient food or clothes, how can happy?
Secondly
, there are
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "severals"?
several
of
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people
feel interested in collect something expensive like cars,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watches
or luxury stuffs,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is their happy to have
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money
for
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buy
new things like that. For two reasons
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
,
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money
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
happiness.

On the other hand
, I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
For instance
, there are
Possible agreement error. The noun billionaire seems to be countable; consider using: "many billionaires".
many billionaire
in the world do not happy with their wealthy life, having too much
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money
is being burden with them. The answer for
that is
when
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people
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of
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money
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be same with the work, responsibility of them.
Additionally
, wealthy
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people
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
fear like robbed, being murder, …,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
always in anxious about how to save their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and their life.
Therefore
,
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money
can not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like that.

In conclusion
, for all the aforementioned reasons, I
strongly
state that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can be the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not all,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can not
totally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
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IELTS essay MONEY CAN BUY HAPPINESS. DO YOU AGREE?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
271 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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