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money can bring people happiness but there are more important reasons for a person's happiness. To what extend do you agree or disagree ?

money can bring people happiness but there are more important reasons for a person's happiness. aqrDG
People say that being financially secured can make an individual's life happier. But, other more prominent factors make a person's life joyful. This essay completely agrees with this statement as having good relationships with family and friends and being mentally and physically healthy helps bring more happiness into a person's life. Being wealthy only grants a person freedom from financial stress whereas having a good relationship with family members and close friends helps a person become emotionally and mentally healthy. This is of great importance as having a support system helps people overcome different life crises. For instance, a recent survey done by BBC showed that rich people suffer from depression more than people that belong to the middle class or working class due to their lack of time to build good relationships. Another prominent factor that helps bring peace and joy into a person's life is being physically healthy. Having good physical health helps people concentrate better on their life goals and also plays an important role in combating stress related to work. For example, people who exercise and lead a healthy lifestyle are less likely to develop health conditions such as hypertension, high cholesterol, and diabetes which are all common health conditions developed by most office workers due to stress and over eating related to it thereby making them free from tension related to life-threatening disease conditions which helps them focus better on career goals and this makes their life's less stressful. In conclusion, having lots of money alone doesn't make an individual's life happier. It's only by having good relationships and a healthy lifestyle can a person attain true happiness.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
say that being
financially
secured can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
an individual's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
happier.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, other more prominent factors
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a person's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
joyful. This essay completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
with this statement as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
relationships with family and friends and being mentally and
physically
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
bring more happiness into a person's life.

Being wealthy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
grants a person freedom from financial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
whereas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
relationship with family members and close friends
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
a person become
emotionally
and mentally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
. This is of great importance as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
a support system
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
overcome
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
crises.
For instance
, a recent survey done by BBC
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suffer from depression more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that belong to the middle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
or working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
due to their lack of time to build
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
relationships.

Another prominent factor that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
bring peace and joy into a person's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is being
physically
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
physical health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
concentrate better on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
goals and
also
plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in combating
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
related to work.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who exercise and lead a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
lifestyle are less likely to develop health conditions such as hypertension, high cholesterol, and diabetes which are all common health conditions developed by most office workers due to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and over eating related to it thereby making them free from tension related to life-threatening disease conditions which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
them focus better on career goals and this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
their life's less stressful.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
lots of money alone doesn't
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
an individual's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
happier. It's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
relationships and a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
lifestyle can a person attain true happiness.
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IELTS essay money can bring people happiness but there are more important reasons for a person's happiness.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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